divorce, personal, tips

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June is a very special month for me…

My birth month…

Juneteenth. The month slavery was abolished.

My divorce…

June is a time filled with emotions and self-reflection. I celebrate the new year of life that Allah has blessed me with. I celebrate an end of my tumultuous marriage. I celebrate when my people were freed from the physical chains of slavery. Most importantly though, I celebrate the strong Black Muslim woman that I have become.

Don’t be mistaken though. I didn’t always have this mindset.

June used to be a hard time for me.

Actually, real hard…

Divorce is devastating. It is disappointing. You have so many hopes and dreams when you decide to merge paths with someone. After getting divorced you have to reroute your journey. I had to find myself again. It took time to get over my “X” and it took time to find ME again.

I write this for you.

The divorced person who has had a hard time getting over the hurdle of unfulfilled promises and a broken heart.

I write this for you.

The person who loves deep and with all their might.

I will share what has worked for me in the hopes that it will shed some light on this dark path of disappointment.

1. Time. Give yourself the time and space that you need. This is all dependent on the individual. We all heal at different paces. Some of us need a couple of months while others may need years. Do not allow anyone else to dictate your “time” of healing. It took me a year and a half to get over my divorce.

2. Cry. Allow yourself the time to express your emotions. My Brothas, you need to cry as well… Don’t be shy. Don’t hold back. Get it out. Better to get it out now rather than later. There is a spiritual cleansing involved in getting rid of this energy. I never cried after my divorce. Then…it happened…One day I checked the mail, after being divorced for over a year, and I recognized the handwriting on the envelope. It looked familiar, like the chicken scratch I had seen when I was married. It was my ex-husbands handwriting. I knew what it was but I didn’t want to confront reality. I walked up the stairs with groceries in hand while clutching the envelope. I plopped on my bed and tore the envelope open. I cried. I probably wept more than I cried. It was the “official” divorce papers. I allowed myself this time and promised that I would NEVER cry like that again. Be firm but merciful to yourself. That was the only time I cried.

3. Fall in love with “YOU”. Find that person you lost throughout your marriage. You sacrificed a lot. You loved hard. You feel like you were not appreciated. Find that person again. You know, the one who loved life and was trusting of others. Sacrifice is a normal part of a healthy relationship. When it is one-sided that’s when it becomes unhealthy. Pick up a hobby. Eat ice cream out the carton. Walk around the house in your ugly pajamas (or no pajamas if that’s your thing!) Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.

4. Forgive yourself…and your “X”. I always say it takes two people to end a marriage. Remember this please. We all make mistakes. I constantly pray to Allah that I NEVER make a mistake that I can not fix. Learn from this experience. Grow. Soar to new heights. After you forgive yourself then move onto forgiving your “X”. It will take time. I was very hurt after my divorce. I felt betrayed. I was not valued. I was not loved. I had to realize this was not solely my fault. I blamed myself for many of his flaws. Don’t give your “X” the power to control your emotions. You are bigger than that.

5. Trash it. Get rid of the pictures. Forget the memories. You need a fresh start. Whatever it takes for you to “move on” then do that. Time is extremely precious. We ain’t got time to waste! After my divorce I did an Angela Bassett move from “Waiting to Exhale”. I chopped all my hair off. Yes, sir! Now you know I had to be pretty serious to do that. Black girls barely get trims but that is what I needed to renew myself and it played a big part in my healing process. As long as you don’t do this you should be good!

I am grateful.

Today is my born day.

I am humble.

Today brings new hopes and a fresh start.

I’ve been handed another year of life and a second chance at love…All praises to the One.

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