marriage, personal

Beautiful or Bootyful?

A couple weeks ago a good friend introduced me to a brotha who was looking for a wife. She said we seemed pretty compatible and that he was very interested in meeting me after seeing a couple of my photos. He seemed like a decent guy. My friend said that her husband knew him for a while and that he was reputable. So, we scheduled a sit down and went from there.

We briefly spoke on the phone. He seemed very nice. I was feeling him. We agreed to meet for mediterranean food later in the week.

Later that week, we met up for dinner. I called him on my way to the restaurant and he told me he was getting out of his car. At the same time I was walking towards the restaurant. First impressions are important because they set a precedence for most of us. He had a leather jacket on and some rugged blue jeans. He had a little goatee and his hair was faded. He was cute. Not necessarily my type but attractive nonetheless. Also, he was on the smaller side…

Let me break it down for you.

I am 100% woman. Yes, ya’ll 100% Black woman. I’m thick, curvy, big boned…whatever terminology you desire to use. I’m 5’8 and a size 16 in pants. So naturally, I’m attracted to tall big men.

Now with that being said I do not let size phase me. If a brotha does not fit my physical mold I will still give the potential relationship a chance. It would be absolutely stupid to write someone off for something as meaningless as height.

So anyways, back to my story. We grabbed a table and he pulled out my chair (brotha was doin’ it right!) and ordered our food. Conversation went pretty smooth. He asked about my family. I asked about his. We talked about goals and aspirations. Eye contact was good. Body language was open and not guarded. All the signs that a sit down is going well, right?

He had this sultry look that I was attracted to you. While I was talking he would slightly lean in, fixate his gaze and nod in agreement with whatever I was saying. I felt like he was studying me and listening to every word that rolled off my tongue. He had a soft tone to his speech. His voice was not deep or loud. He sounded gentle and collected.

Finally…a good sit down.

These were the thoughts running through my head…

As I was enjoying my falafel and hummus he leant in and said the following,

“You are so beautiful, smart and fun to be around. But you really need to ……..”

I could not hear him so I looked up from my plate.

“I need to what?” I asked.

“Stop playing. You heard me.” He responded.

“No, I didn’t.” I said as I put my fork down.

“Well, you need to exercise…” He said with a stupid smirk on his face.

Awkward silence…

I felt the blood rushing to my face. I was humiliated. My feelings weren’t hurt as I am 100% woman, weren’t you paying attention earlier? I responded by asking him if he exercised. His response was in the negative. I informed him that I did exercise and recently dropped 20 pounds. I ended that sit down suggesting that he go hit the gym rather than suggesting it to others.

I did not curse him out…

I did not go Housewives of Atlanta on his ass and throw a drink in his face…

I kept my cool and most importantly my dignity.

During my drive home I really thought about the whole incident. It actually pissed me off more than anything. What would give someone the audacity to say some whack mess like that? If I had an issue with a brotha, such as height, I would never mention it to him. I would find another reason to politely end it. Along with that I would NEVER bring it up during a sit down.

Then it lead me to another thought.

I’ve met several brothers who have pretty strict requirements when it comes to a woman’s physical appearance. Everyone has their physical preferences. It’s perfectly normal. After all, you have to like what you see when you roll over in bed. With all that being said one must be willing to bend and as cliche as it might seem people age and things get saggy. It’s just the reality of life. This is why it’s so important that your relationship be based upon love and compassion. If it’s based off of anything else it’s certainly destined to fail.

At times, Muslims tend to think that we are immune to the outside world and its influences. The idea of beauty and attractiveness portrayed in the media affect our communities as well. Based on my experiences many Muslim men have an unrealistic expectation as to what women should look like.

Beauty can come in many different forms. Personality and looks are just a few.

While booty is just…well booty.

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marriage, online, tips

Computer Love

For about a year I’ve been using Muslim matrimonial websites. I’ve had pretty good experiences with them. I feel like it allows you to broaden your scope of potential spouses. I’ve compiled a list of pointers and tips for navigating the world of online dating. Remember folks, KOM (Keep an Open Mind!)…

Sisters:
1. Put a picture up. I know you’re a tad bit embarrassed. You want to be loved, you desire intimacy. Unfortunately, cultural biases towards women have resulted in us denying this fact. You’re human. It’s totally normal. Be open and truthful with yourself. Being online already makes the process difficult so you want to be as straight forward as possible. Also this eliminates the awkward process of exchanging pictures. Physical attraction is important so just put it up there!
2. Don’t be scurred’! If his profile tickles your fancy don’t be scared to step up. Sistas are allowed to inbox. Make the first move. You don’t have to confess your undying love to him but hot dayum’ say something! Here is an example of messages I’ve sent: “Asaalamu alaikum Brother, I ran across your profile and I am very intrigued. I would like to get to know more about you. Take a look at my profile to see if there is a mutual interest.” SistaQueens, its that simple. You threw him the bone. Now if he wants the rest he’ll come and get it.
3. Be honest with YOU. Don’t fabricate things on your profile. I know there is pressure to be a certain type of Muslim but please remember we all have different paths. You want to portray yourself as accurately as possible while still putting your best foot forward.
4. Help. Have someone help you out. Ideally, this person should be a male family member. Some brothas can be trflin’ so you want someone who can check them out. Three degrees of separation ain’t no lie. For instance, once I get to know a brotha I’ll ask him what mosque he attends. You’d be surprised what you can find out by asking this simple question.
5. Stand your ground. You’re going to get a lot of messages from brothas inquiring. You’re attractive, smart and just plain wonderful. Now, you don’t need to give everyone of these dudes a chance. I make it a point to respond to every inquiry I get, even if its a rejection. Sure, its online but the matters of the heart are sensitive. Example: “Thank you for the inquiry brother. As stated in my profile my age requirement is someone younger than 36. Being that you are 64 you are out of that range. I wish you the best in your search.” You are going to get inboxes from people who take one look at your picture and don’t even pay attention to what you wrote. Some men can be pushy. Be the solid strong SistaQueen that you are!

Brothers:
1. Babies get the Ladies. Brothas are way better at putting up pictures than the sistas. You guys don’t play! You are on the search for wifey. As a woman I am advising you what type of picture to put up. I can’t stand when you guys think its cute to put up a picture of you making a stupid silly face. Come on now! We know humor is great in a relationship but please this is serious so act right. After a consensus with the SistaQueens we all agreed that if a brotha has a picture up of him holding some random baby he gets extra points. It shows he’s caring, compassionate, loves babies, and looks like he is excited about fatherhood. I get all mushy gushy when I run across these profiles. So if you want to get with the ladies grab someones baby!
2. Respect the Queen. Don’t inbox a Sista telling her how cute and sexy she is. Major turn off! Rather, say something like this. “Asaalamu alaikum Sister, I noticed your profile today. I must say that you are beautiful mashAllah. I see that you enjoy reading. Have you read anything exciting lately? I look forward to hearing from you.” Notice how I put a twist on this? I talked about her beauty but threw in something of substance which indicated that I read her profile. Mad skills!!!
3. Her Pace. Sometimes you brothas have the tendency to rush us. You ask for personal information such as numbers too soon and believe me it’s a turn off for most of us. If you really like a sista, you’ll allow her to dictate the pace. Now if you guys don’t exchange numbers in a couple months I totally feel ya! Just don’t ask for it within a couple days.
4. The Magic Word. Wali. Any sista who is serious wants you to ask for her wali’s information. This will also display that you ain’t trying to play games with her. Even the online Muslim matrimonial world consists of people looking for booty. Don’t assume that we are free from that just because we’re “Muslim”. You want her to know you are serious. You dictate the best time to bring it up depending on the pace of this blossoming relationship. (SN: In Islam, a woman is required to have a male relative when seeking a spouse. It’s similar to having your father check someone out before going on a date. Ya dig?)
5. Be Real. Don’t play games. If you’re not ready to be married then make that very clear in your profile. Some people want to take 1+ years to get to know someone (which I highly discourage, but that’s another post!). Ain’t nobody got time for you to decide what you want to do. Meeting wali’s and family members typically mean it’s getting serious. This is why honesty is so important.

I hope my Computer Love tips were helpful. Remember, follow your intuition. If it doesn’t act right, look right, or smell right then chances are it probably ain’t right!

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