marriage, tips

Whatta Man

I’m an old school hip hop head. I was jamming out to some old Salt-N-Pepa and this song got me thinking.

I did promise that this blog would consist of pointers geared towards the brothas. Well, today is all for you! I know it is hard. You are really trying to figure this all out. Muslim women come off as intimidating. At the end of the day we are still women and desire the same things as non-Muslim women. I especially feel for those of you have converted to Islam. Muslim women are a totally different ball game!

So, you really want to know?

What are Muslim women looking for? What do we really want in a Muslim man?

I am going to give you an idea. Get your pen and paper ready…

  1. Handles the business. We want a man who can handle his stuff. He should have his finances right and be able to provide for a family. Now before you start rolling your eyes or doubting yourself keep in mind that we ain’t asking you to be a millionaire. A majority of us have jobs and don’t need you as a main source of income. We just need to know that you can handle the finances. Women need to feel financially secure.
  2. Follow the leader. There is nothing more attractive than a man who has excellent leadership qualities. He is solid, confident and just. He knows when to consult wifey. He is firm yet understanding. We want to be sure that when an issue arises you’ll have the answers. Even though you are a good leader it’s a very fine line between having a whacked ego. Don’t be shy to consult us for advice. He is ambitious and has a plan. These men are the ones who get the ladies. We are drawn to them.
  3. Mushy Gushy. Most, not all, women like a brotha to be affectionate and caring. I know know societal factors indicate it’s not very masculine to show affection towards your wife but a smart man understands the importance of this. Hold her hand, gently touch her or kiss her. Show her that she means the world to you. Sometimes this can be as simple as saying “I love you” when she least expects it. Most of us will say we want a sensitive man but then we talk crap about you when you cry all over the place. I love me a sensitive brotha who is in touch with his emotions. An experience slightly changed my opinion. I knew a brotha who would cry after Bollywood movies. All the time… Ya’ll know where that went…
  4. All ears. We love to talk, talk and then talk some more. You need to listen. Listen intently. Not while you are on Facebook or playing video games.  I know you don’t really care that I had the most awful hijab day at work. Most of the time we are not seeking advice, we’re simply letting steam off. This is all part of the female psyche.  It might not be important to you but she is important to you. Listen to her ramble because it’s part of the package. After she is done say something along these lines, “Honey boo boo pie, I am so sorry you had a bad hijab day at work. I think you look great, as always.” Look at her when you say this. Not at the T.V.
  5. Only one. Nothing is wrong with being a tad bit possessive or jealous. Most women want to feel like they are the only one. This pointer is based on circumstance though. Since there are some brothas and sistas involved in polygamous relationships there are exceptions to this rule. This piece of advice is geared towards those who are committed strictly to one another. Don’t have casual relationships with other women since this leads to suspicion. The “only friends” excuse is mumbo jumbo.
  6. The “S” word. She has needs as well so approach her correctly. Sexuality is often defined by the individual but most women approach sex in a totally different manner than men do. We often like is slower and at our own pace. Do not rush or get too eager. Be open with your communication when it comes to what she likes or dislikes. She might be shy to tell you what she wants. NEVER assume that because you are enjoying it that she is as well. Have an honest dialogue and be open to pleasing her. Good sex is a very fundamental element in a successful relationship. Allah gave you the tools now use them correctly my brotha!
  7. Presents. We lovvveeee gifts. Random gifts and surprises make every woman happy! Also, it gives you extra brownie points. You never know you might need a favor, right? The exchanges of gifts soften the heart. I’m not talking diamonds or cars here. It’s the simple stuff such as flowers, candies, etc… I call these “everyday gifts” because we save the big gifts for Eid.

Once you know and understand these concepts it’s really not that difficult to keep your woman happy. It’s the brothas who don’t know who complain about women being difficult creatures from another planet.

Now you know…

Spread the knowledge…

Advertisements
Standard
marriage, online, tips

Computer Love

For about a year I’ve been using Muslim matrimonial websites. I’ve had pretty good experiences with them. I feel like it allows you to broaden your scope of potential spouses. I’ve compiled a list of pointers and tips for navigating the world of online dating. Remember folks, KOM (Keep an Open Mind!)…

Sisters:
1. Put a picture up. I know you’re a tad bit embarrassed. You want to be loved, you desire intimacy. Unfortunately, cultural biases towards women have resulted in us denying this fact. You’re human. It’s totally normal. Be open and truthful with yourself. Being online already makes the process difficult so you want to be as straight forward as possible. Also this eliminates the awkward process of exchanging pictures. Physical attraction is important so just put it up there!
2. Don’t be scurred’! If his profile tickles your fancy don’t be scared to step up. Sistas are allowed to inbox. Make the first move. You don’t have to confess your undying love to him but hot dayum’ say something! Here is an example of messages I’ve sent: “Asaalamu alaikum Brother, I ran across your profile and I am very intrigued. I would like to get to know more about you. Take a look at my profile to see if there is a mutual interest.” SistaQueens, its that simple. You threw him the bone. Now if he wants the rest he’ll come and get it.
3. Be honest with YOU. Don’t fabricate things on your profile. I know there is pressure to be a certain type of Muslim but please remember we all have different paths. You want to portray yourself as accurately as possible while still putting your best foot forward.
4. Help. Have someone help you out. Ideally, this person should be a male family member. Some brothas can be trflin’ so you want someone who can check them out. Three degrees of separation ain’t no lie. For instance, once I get to know a brotha I’ll ask him what mosque he attends. You’d be surprised what you can find out by asking this simple question.
5. Stand your ground. You’re going to get a lot of messages from brothas inquiring. You’re attractive, smart and just plain wonderful. Now, you don’t need to give everyone of these dudes a chance. I make it a point to respond to every inquiry I get, even if its a rejection. Sure, its online but the matters of the heart are sensitive. Example: “Thank you for the inquiry brother. As stated in my profile my age requirement is someone younger than 36. Being that you are 64 you are out of that range. I wish you the best in your search.” You are going to get inboxes from people who take one look at your picture and don’t even pay attention to what you wrote. Some men can be pushy. Be the solid strong SistaQueen that you are!

Brothers:
1. Babies get the Ladies. Brothas are way better at putting up pictures than the sistas. You guys don’t play! You are on the search for wifey. As a woman I am advising you what type of picture to put up. I can’t stand when you guys think its cute to put up a picture of you making a stupid silly face. Come on now! We know humor is great in a relationship but please this is serious so act right. After a consensus with the SistaQueens we all agreed that if a brotha has a picture up of him holding some random baby he gets extra points. It shows he’s caring, compassionate, loves babies, and looks like he is excited about fatherhood. I get all mushy gushy when I run across these profiles. So if you want to get with the ladies grab someones baby!
2. Respect the Queen. Don’t inbox a Sista telling her how cute and sexy she is. Major turn off! Rather, say something like this. “Asaalamu alaikum Sister, I noticed your profile today. I must say that you are beautiful mashAllah. I see that you enjoy reading. Have you read anything exciting lately? I look forward to hearing from you.” Notice how I put a twist on this? I talked about her beauty but threw in something of substance which indicated that I read her profile. Mad skills!!!
3. Her Pace. Sometimes you brothas have the tendency to rush us. You ask for personal information such as numbers too soon and believe me it’s a turn off for most of us. If you really like a sista, you’ll allow her to dictate the pace. Now if you guys don’t exchange numbers in a couple months I totally feel ya! Just don’t ask for it within a couple days.
4. The Magic Word. Wali. Any sista who is serious wants you to ask for her wali’s information. This will also display that you ain’t trying to play games with her. Even the online Muslim matrimonial world consists of people looking for booty. Don’t assume that we are free from that just because we’re “Muslim”. You want her to know you are serious. You dictate the best time to bring it up depending on the pace of this blossoming relationship. (SN: In Islam, a woman is required to have a male relative when seeking a spouse. It’s similar to having your father check someone out before going on a date. Ya dig?)
5. Be Real. Don’t play games. If you’re not ready to be married then make that very clear in your profile. Some people want to take 1+ years to get to know someone (which I highly discourage, but that’s another post!). Ain’t nobody got time for you to decide what you want to do. Meeting wali’s and family members typically mean it’s getting serious. This is why honesty is so important.

I hope my Computer Love tips were helpful. Remember, follow your intuition. If it doesn’t act right, look right, or smell right then chances are it probably ain’t right!

Standard