A couple weeks ago a good friend introduced me to a brotha who was looking for a wife. She said we seemed pretty compatible and that he was very interested in meeting me after seeing a couple of my photos. He seemed like a decent guy. My friend said that her husband knew him for a while and that he was reputable. So, we scheduled a sit down and went from there.
We briefly spoke on the phone. He seemed very nice. I was feeling him. We agreed to meet for mediterranean food later in the week.
Later that week, we met up for dinner. I called him on my way to the restaurant and he told me he was getting out of his car. At the same time I was walking towards the restaurant. First impressions are important because they set a precedence for most of us. He had a leather jacket on and some rugged blue jeans. He had a little goatee and his hair was faded. He was cute. Not necessarily my type but attractive nonetheless. Also, he was on the smaller side…
Let me break it down for you.
I am 100% woman. Yes, ya’ll 100% Black woman. I’m thick, curvy, big boned…whatever terminology you desire to use. I’m 5’8 and a size 16 in pants. So naturally, I’m attracted to tall big men.
Now with that being said I do not let size phase me. If a brotha does not fit my physical mold I will still give the potential relationship a chance. It would be absolutely stupid to write someone off for something as meaningless as height.
So anyways, back to my story. We grabbed a table and he pulled out my chair (brotha was doin’ it right!) and ordered our food. Conversation went pretty smooth. He asked about my family. I asked about his. We talked about goals and aspirations. Eye contact was good. Body language was open and not guarded. All the signs that a sit down is going well, right?
He had this sultry look that I was attracted to you. While I was talking he would slightly lean in, fixate his gaze and nod in agreement with whatever I was saying. I felt like he was studying me and listening to every word that rolled off my tongue. He had a soft tone to his speech. His voice was not deep or loud. He sounded gentle and collected.
Finally…a good sit down.
These were the thoughts running through my head…
As I was enjoying my falafel and hummus he leant in and said the following,
“You are so beautiful, smart and fun to be around. But you really need to ……..”
I could not hear him so I looked up from my plate.
“I need to what?” I asked.
“Stop playing. You heard me.” He responded.
“No, I didn’t.” I said as I put my fork down.
“Well, you need to exercise…” He said with a stupid smirk on his face.
Awkward silence…
I felt the blood rushing to my face. I was humiliated. My feelings weren’t hurt as I am 100% woman, weren’t you paying attention earlier? I responded by asking him if he exercised. His response was in the negative. I informed him that I did exercise and recently dropped 20 pounds. I ended that sit down suggesting that he go hit the gym rather than suggesting it to others.
I did not curse him out…
I did not go Housewives of Atlanta on his ass and throw a drink in his face…
I kept my cool and most importantly my dignity.
During my drive home I really thought about the whole incident. It actually pissed me off more than anything. What would give someone the audacity to say some whack mess like that? If I had an issue with a brotha, such as height, I would never mention it to him. I would find another reason to politely end it. Along with that I would NEVER bring it up during a sit down.
Then it lead me to another thought.
I’ve met several brothers who have pretty strict requirements when it comes to a woman’s physical appearance. Everyone has their physical preferences. It’s perfectly normal. After all, you have to like what you see when you roll over in bed. With all that being said one must be willing to bend and as cliche as it might seem people age and things get saggy. It’s just the reality of life. This is why it’s so important that your relationship be based upon love and compassion. If it’s based off of anything else it’s certainly destined to fail.
At times, Muslims tend to think that we are immune to the outside world and its influences. The idea of beauty and attractiveness portrayed in the media affect our communities as well. Based on my experiences many Muslim men have an unrealistic expectation as to what women should look like.
Beauty can come in many different forms. Personality and looks are just a few.
While booty is just…well booty.
MUSLIMnLOVE 
I love reading your posts and this one def. hit home! People are so superficial nowadays and its hard to find people who really love you for you. I really commend you for how you ended the sit down and I have SO much respect for you MashAllah.
Ugh, so annoying. I would have been…Well Ummm you really need to drink more milk so u could grow!
Lol what an idiot. He was doing good until he said that. I can’t believe he had the nerves to say that although he was thinking it.
As a man I know we are attracted to the physical first but some of us have failed to realize that is not all a woman, a relationship, a marriage is about. In my experiences (no it ain’t been that many) if I met a woman who is not all what I expected physically usually she had other characteristics or attributes that made her even more attractive to me. Just like if I met a woman who was a physical dime she was a nickel mentally or her attitude was worth a penny.
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Ok…I have a LOT to say but I drill down to main points.
BIG warning: ‘Sister my husband knows/ I know a good brother’. WARNING!! Sister you don’t know him. Your husband really doesn’t know him. He was just gushed over by this brother telling him how ‘blessed’ he was to have a good wive and blah blah blah. I am weary of THESE conversations.
I feel you on the superficiality of the situation. I am also NOT ‘a salad eating chick’– lol. I feel that I have lots to bring to a marriage just the way I am. I work out for me..and my own health, not to attract men. I dress up and look pretty more for ME than anyone else. That brother truly missed out, due to his evident rudeness.
Rest assured that he is the one missing out, you dodged a bullet!
I’m absolutely loving your posts! I’m also sad that some men still act that way….which I’m sure we have all encountered at one time or another but I do believe you handled it very well and I’m not sure I would have been able to do it so well! MashAllah!
What a bonafide jerk! He did you a favor though. It would be worse if he lied about how he felt and then once you developed feelings for him, told you the truth and really hurt you. You showed great restraint cause I know you wanted to go in on that fool! NEXT!!
Totally inappropriate and insensitive for him to speak to u in this manner. I wonder if he would have spoken to a nonmuslim this way. You need to speak with whomever recommended him to you and tell them exactly how he behaved. He deserves a good talking to. Astaghfirullah!
May Allah bless you with a suitable spouse. Keep looking, sis. Allah has a bounty.
THIS BLOG IS FRIGGIN AWESOME!!!! You are so well spoken it is astounding. This needs to be in a magazine. I have literally gotten fired because all I would ever do at work was analyze and reread your blogs. YOU ARE DESTINED FOR GREATNESSSSSS!!!!
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Salam sister, thank you for writing such wonderful articles.
This article hit me hard as I have gone through the same exact thing. This guy had been asking to meet me and he has seen my photos. I am not skinny by any means and when I saw him I noticed he was not tall nor was he big. All he did was comment on my weight and yet I kept silent about his appearance.
It really hurts me because a lot of people tell me I cannot get married because of my weight. Till this day, I have not sat down with a single suitor because apparently I am not good enough for marriage.
Inshallah you will find a good brother to marry you. You truly are an amazing girl and I am saying this based off of your intelligence and passion.
WOW!! SubhanAllah….men think they have such a right over our bodies that they can tell us their opinion on our physique when they don’t even know us?! Sis, you tell this story so well. So pleased to come across your blog…..I’m desperately seeking the ‘one’…sometimes you feel like the only sis who’s struggling. Patience….inshaAllah. x
I’m so hooked on your blog…As a response to your post, I feel when Muslims want to be match makers they must know you and the man they’re setting you up with very well. They must be able to answer every question you ask about that man and vise versa. One thing I can’t stand is if when a sister wants to set you up with a man she barely knows, let alone you. She just knows that you’re single and so is he. So frustrating. I really appreciate your honesty and sharing your experiences. This lets other women know that they are not alone in their search to finding that awesome husnad too.
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