Imagine this scenario:
It’s morning rush hour and you are waiting on the platform for the express train. Train pulls up and the doors spring wide open. The train is packed, as usual, with folks drinking their morning coffee and bopping away to music on their iPods.
You grab hold of the bar and rest your back on the door.
Just another morning…
Midst being lost in your thoughts and everything you have to do you look up and notice a Muslimah sitting across from you. She looks up from her book and shyly smiles. You awkwardly smile back.
A million and one thoughts are running through your head. You want to spark up a conversation but you’re not sure exactly how to go about it. You don’t want it to come off as though you’re tryin’ to mac or be disrespectful.
You’re counting down the stops to your destination and at the same time trying to scheme a plan to talk to her.
Let me start off by telling you this…
Yes, we are Muslim women but at the end of the day we are women. Most of the guys who hit on us on a daily basis are non-Muslim. Occasionally it would be nice to be hit on by someone who you can actually envision a future with…
Before any mac daddy stuff goes down check out her hands. Women are more likely to wear wedding rings as compared to men. If she’s married most likely she will have a ring on (not always though).
Now this has to be done the right way though. My brotha, you have to be respectful and most of all legit when you try to hit on a Muslim woman. They say it typically takes a mere 15 minutes to figure out if a woman is interested in you or not.
Here are some helpful tips that will help you navigate the mysterious world of Muslim women (you can thank a Sistaqueen later). Remember we are talking marriage here:
1. Wise Words. Pick your words wisely. Nothing cheesy, or straight up rude. Remember women love to be spoken to gently and we pay attention to every word that rolls off your tongue. If you decide to start off your macing with a question make sure its open ended because this will lead to a conversation. Remember, mates should always start out as friends so you want to see how good the conversation is. She might clam up and not be open at first but give her a little space. Most Muslim women are a tad bit reserved.
2. Da Digits. Don’t ask for her number too soon. Ease into it my brotha. When brothers run straight for your number its a huge turn off. You start the conversation off and let her steer it. If you are really diggin’ her vibes find out a way to leave her your number. This will make her more comfortable and most of all put the power in her hands. If you guys were talking about work for instance come up with some lame excuse such as, “I know this great networking event coming up next month. Here is my number you can call me and I can give you the info.” Now if the interest is mutual then she will give you a ring.
3. Islam it up. Always relate the conversation back to Islam. This is a major turn on. You’ll have the sista “mashAllah’ing” you in her head. Compliment her hijab. Tell her you wish other women valued modesty as much as Muslim women. Don’t overdo this though because it might come off as fake. You want her to know that Islam is an important part in your life. “Yo sista, that Nawawi’s 40 hadiths is off the chain. You peeped it lately?” See it’s that simple. Islam all day err’ day.
4. Body art. Now I can not stress the importance of body language. Open stance and good eye contact are just a few signs that you are interested. I must tell you that most Muslim women like a brotha who lowers his gaze from time to time. This shows us that you have control over yourself. So look up and then cast your eyes downward. This shows you are listening but at the same time giving us the respect we deserve. Lean into the conversation. Make her feel like she is the only person in the room. Speak with confidence and without hesitation. Now onto the rules of touching. Remember like I said, earlier on I am by no means giving fatwas (Islamic rulings) here. The issue of touching (handshakes, hugs, etc) vary from person to person and their level of practice. Personally, I would tell you not to touch the sista in any way or form. More than likely you will cross a personal boundary and this could turn your sweet macing session into a sudden disaster. All that hard work for nothing…
5, Make her smile. Most women like to laugh and we value a brotha who has a light sense of humor. Remember before we access our compatibility as mates we are venturing into the friends zone. Crack a joke. Make the conversation light. Don’t go into it asking for her wali’s information. So many brothas jump into asking for your wali. Now of course we understand that things must be done Islamically but slow your roll.
My brotha, now you are ready to test the field. Rejection is always a possibility. Don’t sweat it because it was her loss. Best believe you will find the one.
Let the confidence inside you radiate! Remember, you got this!
MUSLIMnLOVE 
JzkAllah for your post.
I have a few comments though. I was reading it and didn’t feel it was Islamic. Especially cause subhanAllah in Islam like he shouldn’t “hit her on”, it’s unislamic.
He should get her wali’s permission to talk to her and make it clear he’s interested in marriage. I think that’s the best Islamic way.
All on the table, nothing vague. Super clear what his intentions are. And that way, these questions in one’s mind will go away and will be answered.
And it sure is that touching is haram..I don’t think scholars differ on that. Allahu ‘alam..
But yea, I hope you get my point. And jzkAllah khairan for you efforts.
Salam, Diala.
☁
Salam Diala, thanks for reading my blog. As I have mentioned my blog is not here to dish out any Islamic rulings. That is not the point and there are many interpretations on many rulings in Islam, including touching (such as handshakes). Many of my readers have been married before or in relationships and Islamically we know that a woman does not require a wali after she has been married. I think its important for Muslims to realize that we are not excluded from what goes on in the world. We just put our own Islamic twist onto things. Anyways, have a great morning and continue reading.
Salaam Diala
Maybe you misunderstood this post. Nothing about this is borderlining “haraam”. There are vey few things in Islam which are haraam the Prophet S stressed that fact. Eating pork is haraam, having sex out of marriage is haraam. Trying to talk to a sista with the intent on marriage is not haraam. Everyone doesn’t have an uncle who knows all the single brothas in the communtiy so it is nice to see this type of post. Please check yourself and make sure you are best form of “Islamic” before you go on dishing on a sista trying to help the rest of us. Jusss sayin…
MA SHA ALLAH… goodone
There’s nothing Islamic about ‘hitting on’ a Muslim Woman. And we should definitely not ‘Islam it up’.
Islam should not be used on a random woman on the train as a way to gain her number. In fact, by gaining her number and flirting with her, you and her both are only increasing the chance off falling into Zina (May Allah protect us all from this).
Salam Adam, thanks for reading and commenting. I need you to really understand what this post is saying. Is anyone talking about committing zina? Please don’t be so narrow in your approach and thinking. We are taking strictly marriage here. I made that very clear. Those of us who come from communities (not sure where you’re from as I may be preaching to the choir) that don’t have ways to link Muslims up use these tactics. Everything is not about sex or zina.
Wasalaam, I’m not saying it is about sex or zina, I’m just saying that by flirting and fuelling lust between two normal human beings without the presence of his/her parents is a dangerous thing and can lead to zina and heartbreak.
‘The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned us against being alone with a non-mahram woman, and said: “No man is alone with a woman but the shaytaan is the third one present.” ‘
I get that for some people living in the west, it can be hard to find a spouse, but randomly going up to a Muslim woman and flirting with her isn’t the way.
Agree. “Sunnah” and “hit on a Muslimah” should not really be in the same sentence…
If I had a man approach me in this manner, even with the intention of marriage, I would put him off and remind him to fear Allah, and continue any dialogue.
I’m an American convert, so there’s no cultural background that would be offended by his behavior, just my conviction that this type of behavior is not Islamic or modeled by our Rasool or his companions.
I don’t think I would even give him my wali’s number because I would not want to be married to someone so comfortable with strange women that he just randomly met on the street.
agree! and the fact that she looks up and smiles at him…? there is no guarantee that this conversation of theirs will definitely lead to marriage…and why would any sane woman be interested in a man on a bus. even if shes divorced or a widow…going about it this way doesnt make sense in anyway.i know i wouldnt be taking or giving numbers from a strange man on a bus or anywhere…
For reals, you need to turn your blog into some kind of Mosaic novel or novella… just saying
As salaam wa aluakum! Well written sister. I also gained from the comments written in response. Culture is a factor in how we approach this subject.
I agree with you 100%.
Ridiculous, that’s like encouraging zinā, Islām prohibits free-mixing even as much as sitting down and having a “sunnah way convo” with opposite gender,
“Do not even go near ‘zinā’ (fornication or adultery)…” | 17:32 Qur`ān
May Allāh guide me and you.
Totally concur.
Beautifully written mashAllah. You always manage to hold onto your Muslim roots and still acknowledge the culture and society we live in. I love your blog! Keep it up!
This is so beautiful advice. JazakAllahu khairan
That’s what bothers me. A muslim man is more inclined to flirt with non-Muslim females but act strange around a muslim woman. I’d like it if a muslim man came up to me, flirting, and at least showing some type of interest. There is NOTHING wrong with that.
theres nothing wrong with a muslim man flirting with you? Whats to say you marry this strange man but after marriage hes flirting with more women on the bus? Its really scary that you guys dont think free mixing and talking is a problem for a Muslim. Yes, it may not be haram but it is surely a grey area which one should refrain from. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) has said that dont even be involved in such things that would even possibly lead to haram. This world is alot more dangerous for the nafs than you guys think it is. The more knowledge you have, the more attentive you are about what you do so seek knowledge. Theres nothing cultural about what I’m saying either. Theres an ayah in the Quran for goodness sake: Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them… 24:30. Seriously, why would you even consider such a person for marriage? Wouldnt you rather have someone who keeps his gaze averted in modesty? Im not trying to shove this down your throats or yell at you but really…SERIOUSLY please take into consideration that what you guys are calling ok/permissable ACTUALLY REALLY just might be something that Allah (Most High) would be displeased with.
Great advice, sister! I’ve always wanted tips on this.
Hi, I think your website might be having browser cotabtipilimy issues. When I look at your blog site in Firefox, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, very good blog!
Interesting, thanks for letting me know!
Salams. well I guess I am kind of late to this post, but I wanted to comment anyway. I think some people might have misunderstood the poster. Don’t think of her words “hit on” in the haram way as it is in the west. It might not have been the best choice of words, but that was not her intention. Anyway, if a brother sees a sister he is interested in and her wali or no one is around who can serve as an intermediary and send his message of interest to her , how is he supposed to talk to her. After he sees that muslimah on the train, he might never see her again. He can make a casual conversation (NOT flirting) and leave his contact info. If the sister is interested, she can call him and then they can arrange a meeting with her wali to see if the two are a good match for marriage. I am American, but originally I come from a west african immigrant muslim family where everyone knows each other back home and marriages are arranged between families. The majority of people from my country of origin are muslim so it is easy there to find a muslim mate, but here in America it is difficult.
If it is difficult for a muslim male to make a halal conversation with a muslimah in a PUBLIC environment such as a train, it makes it easier for them to speak to and get to know non-muslimahs. Many end up marrying them and shrinking the pool of marriageable muslim men for muslimahs. Seriously, what are they going to do on they train where many people around can hear what they are saying. After, that meeting, then the sister can have the brother meet her wali. Like I said, if the brother doesn’t speak to that sister and leave his contact, that may be the first and only time he sees her. The two could be missing out on a great potential spouse. Let’s not see everything as haram and make it difficult for muslim americans to meet. If a brother approached me respectfully and left me with his contact and I am interested, I will call him and have him speak to my wali, which in my case is my dad. I will have the brother speak to my father after that initial follow-up phone call so my father can also screen him too for lack of a better word lol… Most of us are grown and intelligent women and know how to conduct ourselves around men. I have been in situations where I might be volunteering at an Islamic event or organization and the sisters talk to the brothers with no problem and without haram intentions. It is all down to business and no one is oogling the other. It is about how you carry yourself. Simply having a serious conversation with a brother is not the same as flirting. Muslims need to be able to learn how to conduct ourselves around the opposite sex and limit conversation to what is necessary, not act scared of the opposite sex. This makes us become socially awkward. Anyway, my point is as long as the brother is respectful and the intention is marriage I see no problem in having an initial conversation, especially in an environment where we have a short chance to meet. Meeting the wali is a follow-up to the initial encounter.
Why then, Sister Khadijah, here is, after reading this here your comment, an interested chap. In you, that is! And I say that with all (I think and feel) the respect appropriate to the situation (albeit this is a virtual one), and with all the dignity that can be reasonably expected of a gentleman in search of an excellent Muslimah for a spouse. I am impressed by this here your opinion and I think it is a very reasonable one. So, without further ado, and if you are single and not currently in communication with another fortunate gentleman, I would be very much obliged if you would permit my audacity to state that I am interested and would be happy to talk…well, to you. I am single myself and have never been married. I hope this doesn’t come off as too corny or phony. Let me know please, Salaam.
I am originally from The Gambia, West Africa, and of the Fulani ethnicity (not that that should be awfully relevant; just thought that I should throw it out there).
I gotta remember this
But still there is one problem, the girl got a full attitude, no talking to anyone, only self. but when our practical exam was together she talked very gently and good manner. still, give me some point not to lose her.