marriage, sex, tips, Uncategorized

Don’t ask, don’t tell…?

If you ask me there are some things better left unsaid.

Over the years, I have had several of my friends in predicaments where they were talking to potential brothas for marriage. Things were going smoothly, actually things were going pretty good. The brotha was practicing Islam, had a decent job, came from a great family and was helllaaa tall. A perfect match. What else could you ask for?

Then he pops THE question…

No, not THAT question. Don’t get excited…

The one question that changes the entire vibe of this new and blossoming relationship.

“Have you been with a non-Muslim?” aka “Has anyone popped that cherry?“ aka “Are you still a virgin?”

Now keep in mind, in most of these situations folks are well over 30. Grown as hell and have been in a relationship of some sort. I don’t sugar coat Islam or Muslims and yes you can still be Muslim and engaging in pre-marital sex. We all sin in different ways and this doesn’t make anyone more or less of a Muslim than the next.

There is no “Muslim-Richter” Scale in Islam.

For real.

You’ve repented and asked Allah for forgiveness but some people are not as forgiving…

Back to my main point…

Now, if you’ve been good and haven’t fallen victim to your desires I give you props, but what if you have? What if you messed up and are now back on track?

What’s next? The situation can look pretty bleak, especially if you’re a woman…

Now what is one supposed to do when the question of premarital sex is brought up. Really, let’s think critically here. I’ve witnessed these three responses:

1. You can be totally honest. This is marriage we’re talking about so you should be an open book, right? The question seems pretty invasive but you don’t want to start the relationship off on a lie. This is totally understandable but there are certain things to consider. First off, don’t assume he’ll appreciate your honesty. Hopefully he/she will, lets be optimistic, but you may become a victim to your own truthfulness. In utopia, we would all have the freedom to be ourselves but we live in a world of judgment and shame. Feel out your situation, assess what type of person he/she is.

2. Throw the question right back. The chances of him being virginal are very slim. Believe me. Now if he is expecting you to be virginal and he isn’t I would drop dude like a hot potato because you better believe he has some other twisted ideas about women. The last thing you need is to get that from your husband. It’s unfair but its reality. Now if both of you guys are on the same page and have been in relationships move the &^$# on! More serious things to worry about in a relationship. Allah gives chances so give your relationship a fair shot without focusing on the past.

3. You can totally lie. To be honest I have seen this play out the most. I’ve known many women who lie right through her teeth. It’s rather unfortunate because women are sexually shamed and as a result are almost cornered into being dishonest. This could bite you in the butt at the end of the day though and lies are always difficult to maintain. If you have to start the relationship off on a lie you really need to consider if this is the right person for you. Lying in life leads to nowhere.

Now all three of these potential scenarios could be avoided if folks just didn’t dig into the past. It’s so unimportant in the scheme of things. Later in this post I am going to suggest limiting ourselves to two important questions.

Truth of the matter is I don’t expect Muslim men to be virgins, because well most of them just aren’t! If a brother who has been unmarried is a virgin I am often surprised. It doesn’t even cross my mind to ask because I really, really don’t care. People are people and they mess up, people sin and everyone is just trying to make it.

But in the midst of this Muslim men continue asking women these questions.

Women, whether Muslim or not, will forever be judged on their sexual history. Men are given a free ticket to be the sexual creatures Allah intended them to be. Many Muslims men will justify the Islamic practice of polygyny with the need to have more sex. Even in the West you’ll hear common sayings like “Men will be men…” The universal pass to do whatever the hell a dude wants without question.

Some Muslim men get offended and in their feelings when you ask how much money they have in their savings account yet its acceptable, and often encouraged, to ask who has been in my vagina? Since when did something so personal, such as my sexual past, become grounds for public conversation? Who made this the deciding factor whether or not I am “good” enough to be your wife? As though, this isn’t one of the most personal and invasive questions to ask a grown woman before you decide to marry her.

I suppose concealing ones sins doesn’t apply when it comes to marriage…

Every Muslim woman has the right to be utterly offended when this question is posed. Now, if this one of the first questions asked and I barely know you I’d be totally pissed. As though there is not more to me than who I have had sex with. Muslim men are out in the dunya, sometimes they’ll even father a couple children. At a certain point they decide they are over that life and become practicing Muslims. Muslim women accept them, and their children, with open arms. The mosque accepts them with open arms. They bring their kids in the mosque and nothing is said. Muslim women end up marrying them and at times even helping them raise their children.

This is how it should be, we should be forgiving of each other, but Muslim women are exempt from this forgiving.

Let a woman fall in love and end up in the bed of ONE man and she will be publicly crucified. I have a friend who converted to Islam and a brother asked her about her sexual past. Even as a woman who was once married, some Muslim men still have the nerve ask me if I have been with anyone sexually since that time. In some instances, even bringing up past marriages brings to surface negative feelings within people.

I don’t see the point of going into depth when it comes to these issues. I’ve NEVER seen it turn out good. It only harbors feelings of mistrust and self-worth. Folks might ask themselves the question will I be as “good” as their last partner?

Ask yourself, what is truly the point? Why do you want to know? Is it your ego?

Now, what if we limited our questions to this:

  1. When was the last time you were tested for STD’s/STI’s and would you be open to testing?
  2. Are you currently involved with anyone?

    This is all you need to know. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past.

If a person wants to bring up their sexual history on their own accord that’s perfectly fine as well but don’t go digging around. Nothing good comes from this, I am telling you. Assume everyone over 30 is not a virgin, as most (not all) people have been in some sort of relationship once they reach this age be that marriage or another situation.

We should be perfectly fine with this.

Weren’t most of the women that the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon them) married in relationships prior to him? Yes, those relationships were marriages but my point being is that they all weren’t virgins and he was perfectly fine with that.

You are a fool if you don’t see divine wisdom behind that. Why not practice THIS sunnah of the Prophet?

Remember, ass is easy to get but a serious, committed and practicing Muslim partner is not. Don’t get distracted my focusing on things that don’t deserve your attention.

People mess up.

We’re all trying.

Allah is the Most forgiving.

Be easy on each other.

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online, dating, tips, tips

Being 30 & Twinkies

Thirty seems to be the magical number for a lot of people.

It’s when they say you’re supposed to have a majority of your shit together. Additionally, you should be in a solid career, have a pristine family and be on the road to financial stability. In my early to mid-twenties this was my goal. To be honest, at that time, ten years seemed like more than enough time to get my affairs in line.

Once 30 began to creep up I began to internally “freak the f&%$” out.

Rewind.

Let me give myself some credit here though. I’ve done things I wanted to do. I’ve accomplished a lot in my career and personal ambitions but societal expectations can weigh heavy on you. That’s why its important to fight against them and remind each other.
Now that I have been 30 for almost six months I can have some say-so in this matter.

Dish out my own piece of sistaqueen advice for things that may happen once you reach 30:

  1. Picky Princess: If you are single people will start to inquire what your standards are and determine if they are too high. Standards should never change based on your age they should change based on what you want. Men are allowed to have standards, actually they are encouraged all throughout their lives to reach for what they think they deserve. Somewhere along the way women are told to re-evaluate what they want in life. Unless you’re being crazy unrealistic don’t do that. You wouldn’t do it for anything else, right?
  2. Matters of the heart: Your approach to religion or spiritually may change. As we get older the assumption is that we become more solid within ourselves. You won’t be so quick to jump on the bandwagon when your favorite sheikh is coming to town or when there is an Islamic conference happening. Depending on our experiences some of us may even align ourselves more with our spiritual side. As an individual you are changing all the time. So it’s naive to think your relationship with Islam will remain the same all throughout your years.
  3. Baby Fever: You will view having children differently. In your teens and early twenties the sight of a baby excited you and it still does. It made your ovaries jump with joy to see a baby swaddled up or bouncing on someones knee. Once you reach your 30’s you will approach childbearing with a different attitude. I’m not saying you will not desire children but you’ll modify your expectations. At one point I remember wanting a huge family. As I’ve gotten older and realized what that exactly entails. Getting older brings about a sense of realism.
  4. Just say “NO!”: You will begin to master the art of saying no to folks. This can apply to many things in your life but I am going to focus specifically on time. As a married woman or as a mother your time will be respected by people. Folks wont ask you for very much because the assumption is that you are busy with your family. If you are single people genuinely think you have no life. You will have to check folks, you will have to say no *sometimes* and at first it will be hard! When you complain about being tired your friends who have kids will laugh in your face. I didn’t know we were competing on some “lets see who sleeps less hours” gameshow.
  5. “She get it from her momma”: The other day I was arranging pink roses in my flower vases. I had trimmed them all, picked off the extra leaves and placed them throughout my condo. It hit me that I was doing exactly what my mother did every two weeks when I was a child. The sweet scent of flowers was something I grew up with. After the flowers would die she would dry the petals and place them in a bowls as decoration. We all become our parents whether we realize it. Some of us fight so hard against it. It’s inevitable.
  6. You may be jealous of your friends: Yep, I see you scrolling through your Facebook timeline. You can’t believe she got engaged before you. Well, hey sistaqueen it happens.
    1. Your friends may be jealous of you: This one too. As cliche as it sounds, grass is always greener on the other side. Your married friends will envy the fact that you don’t have to cook every night or that your time truly belongs to you. At the end of the day life is all about perspective.

If you’re a woman in your late twenties to early 30’s I already know I’m preaching to the choir. If you’re a woman who could careless about turning 30 I bow to you because you have successfully bypassed all the expectations that society and people throw on us.

As a woman most of the expectations will get pretty personal. They rotate around two things. These two things will become a platform for public conversation:

  1. The inner workings of your vagina a.k.a “your uterus”.
  2. Your current relationship or lack thereof.

People will think its their “right” to advise, discuss and even sometimes embarrass you. Like these will become regular dinner conversations and sometimes they will carry on even if you’re not saying so much as a word. It is forever disrespectful to talk about these topics without consent from the person you’re actually talking about. Yes, y’all I just used the word “consent” because I could name the countless of times I have heard or been involved in conversations that revolve around the body or choices of a grown ass Muslim woman. If its a conversation about you and you prefer not to have it than your consent has not been respected. These conversations can be very humiliating for some folks if they aren’t able to stop people in their tracks.

Your body is not open discussion for people.

Because by the time you reach 30 you’re grown as hell.

So stop moping around and be like a Twinkie!

Staying forever sweet and never expiring.

 

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love, personal, tips, womanhood

Words

Titled: Words

As he talks,

I listen to his every word.

Words.

Enunciation.

Breath.

Pause.

I marinate in his words.

Lips moist.

I tell him,

Brotha, lift that tongue up.

Search between the tight spaces of white teeth.

Dig for words deep in your throat.

And I remind,

if Allah revealed the Quran slowly.

Chapter by chapter,

Sentence by sentence,

Word by word,

then I will reveal myself slowly to you.

The key to my body lies lost in your mouth.

IT

_______

Sometimes I will check the statistics page of my blog. Often, it just gives me insight into my most popular posts. Hot Hijabis and Secret wife= Glorified “side piece” (over 1.5K shares!) have been two of my most popular pieces so far.

Paying attention to the blog statistics allows me to see what my readers click on most. I can also see what Google searches lead people to my page. Recently, someone searched “sweet things to say to a Muslim woman” and was guided to MuslimnLove.

I am as cheesy and they come and I let out a huge “awwwww” when I saw that.

Ya’ll both my face and heart smiled. At that moment I was filled with love.

The essence of this blog is to enhance my writing and allow a space for the Black Muslim woman to express her thoughts on love, life and Islam. I am very big on us controlling our own narrative. No one needs to speak for the Black Muslim woman but herself. Even within this I speak for my own unique experiences. I speak as a Black woman, I speak as an East Afrikan woman, I speak as a Muslim. I also speak as a woman who has lived abroad within different cultural settings. I have many platforms that influence how I view the world. I am open and unfiltered. Writing is an art and I use it to express my deepest thoughts and emotions. Art can not be censored and any artist would agree in the therapeutic importance of expression.

Words help to connect people and today not only do I celebrate MuslimnLove’s 3 year anniversary but I celebrate the sweetness of words.

Leggo! 

5 sweet things to say/do to a Muslim woman

1. Love wins. Let your heart talk. No matter where you are from, what color your skin is or how old you are EVERY woman enjoys being told that she is beautiful by the man she loves. Allow your heart to speak for you. This feels best when it’s unexpected. For instance, she is adjusting her hijab in the mirror and halal bae walks by and says “You’re pretty baby girl.” This is honey to our eardrums. When a woman feels loved she opens up in so many unimaginable ways. Open her up. Plus, everyone wants to be attractive to their partner.

2. Don’t only walk it out but talk it out. Explore her mind. Show her that there is an interest in her thoughts. Now, if you are on the brinks of a new relationship with a sister I suggest you utilize this one to the fullest. When you show an interest in what she likes then she will show even a bigger interest in you. Like I mentioned above, the mind of a woman must be opened first. To fully engage a woman you have to intellectually stimulate her before anything else.

3. Count on me. A woman wants to feel like she can count on you. Make her feel like you are dependable. When she needs to count on someone you need to be the person she relies on. A sense of stability is the sweetest thing for a woman. We love men who handle their business and then assist us in handling ours. Whether its subconscious we equate dependability with being good husbands, fathers and leaders.

4. Listen. We will talk. Talk. Talk some more. You are encouraged to listen and we will know if you aren’t listening. Interject once in a while. This proves you are actually listening. Women thrive off of emotional intimacy. Be her source of emotional intimacy. Let her know you care. Look her in the eyes when she is talking rather than at your phone. Don’t only listen with your ears, listen with your body. Take all of her in.

5. Time. I can not stress this aspect enough. Since I was a teenager I have had a saying in my life, “People ALWAYS make time for what they want to do.” Now, if you want to watch a TV show, go shopping or hang with a friend you will block out a certain time during your day to do that. Many women equate time with love. So if you aren’t making time we may think you don’t love us. This is just the truth.

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tips, womanhood

Womanhood and the Muslimah

As soon as she opened the door I was met with the smell of simmering spices and warm food. I carefully took my boots off trying not to get snow on the plush creme carpet. I was greeted with kind and familiar smiles as I walked into the house. It was a typical December evening in Chicago. The kind of weather where your face went numb if you stayed out in the cold too long. I was relieved to be behind closed doors. Both my body and spirit were marinating in the warmth that surrounded me.

These type of gatherings were rare when the temperature reached subzero digits, so naturally I looked forward to the comradery of sisterhood, laughs and good spirits. We talked about various topics which included work, school, politics and of course marriage (for those of us that were married) and dating ventures (for those of us who were on the prowl).

The conversation shifted to womanhood and it left me with several thoughts.

What does it truly mean to be a carefree, spiritual and emancipated woman?

I’m talking about a woman not burdened with societal and cultural baggage. Many would say this is not possible in Islam, but I disagree. Throughout the last several years of my late twenties I have found solace not only in myself but, simply put, being myself.

There is a huge difference between the two and I believe many women use other people or standards to define who they are. Respecting your individuality is a huge component in becoming the woman you are destined to be.

I can not say this without paying attention to the reality that there are consequences to being a woman without inhibition.

Most people will misunderstand you.

Period.

Every time I hear Nina Simone’s “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” I often imagine her supplicating this song. If you closely listen to the words it is a prayer. She lays her problems in front of Allah and pleads for Him to aid her. She reminds Him that “I’m just a soul whose intentions are good”. As most know Nina was a woman who, herself, was often misunderstood by the world.

So, I thought as a woman these are the main points of judgement many of us face (irregardless of your ethnicity or religious affiliation) at some point in our lives:

*How you dress.
* Your relationship status.
*What you say.

These three things will be the judging ground for society. If you allow they will ultimately rule your life. You, as a woman, must endure it.

Men will use this as a means to see if you’re suitable for marriage and other women will use this as leverage for comparison. Being a woman, particularly a Muslim woman, means that you must adhere to certain expectations without fault. Men on the other hand are given the leeway to have fault. This is a privilege of manhood.

This is just the way the world works. Again, a reality you must accept.

You will often be misunderstood. If you are single (by choice or circumstance) folks will not get it. They will question if something is wrong with you or perhaps why no one wants you. Additionally, you may wear hijab, may not or perhaps you only cover some of the time. You will not only be judged on the frequency of when you wear it but how you wear it.

Or perhaps you are the type of woman who is strong willed, vocal and firm in your opinions. You are often, again, misunderstood. People will tell you to tone it down. You may even be reminded that men don’t like women who “talk” too much. Reality is that most of these men are insecure and use your strong personality as their excuse. Perhaps this will lead to you changing fundamental parts of your character to fit into what society wants of you.

Keep in mind that there are ways you can combat these stigmas. Walk at your own pace not following the steps of someone else. Our identity should not be solely wrapped in how society or Islam views us. As women we should all be the sole definer of our lives.

I am all woman. I am all Muslim. I am all Black. I am so much more.

Be true to your womanly ways and never apologize for being you.

 

 

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brothers, marriage, tips

Sweet as the Sunnah: 5 ways to hit on a Muslimah

Imagine this scenario:

It’s morning rush hour and you are waiting on the platform for the express train. Train pulls up and the doors spring wide open. The train is packed, as usual, with folks drinking their morning coffee and bopping away to music on their iPods. 

You grab hold of the bar and rest your back on the door. 

Just another morning…

Midst being lost in your thoughts and everything you have to do you look up and notice a Muslimah sitting across from you. She looks up from her book and shyly smiles. You awkwardly smile back. 

A million and one thoughts are running through your head. You want to spark up a conversation but you’re not sure exactly how to go about it. You don’t want it to come off as though you’re tryin’ to mac or be disrespectful. 

You’re counting down the stops to your destination and at the same time trying to scheme a plan to talk to her. 

Let me start off by telling you this…

Yes, we are Muslim women but at the end of the day we are women. Most of the guys who hit on us on a daily basis are non-Muslim. Occasionally it would be nice to be hit on by someone who you can actually envision a future with…

Before any mac daddy stuff goes down check out her hands. Women are more likely to wear wedding rings as compared to men. If she’s married most likely she will have a ring on (not always though).

Now this has to be done the right way though. My brotha, you have to be respectful and most of all legit when you try to hit on a Muslim woman. They say it typically takes a mere 15 minutes to figure out if a woman is interested in you or not.

Here are some helpful tips that will help you navigate the mysterious world of Muslim women (you can thank a Sistaqueen later). Remember we are talking marriage here:

1. Wise Words. Pick your words wisely. Nothing cheesy, or straight up rude. Remember women love to be spoken to gently and we pay attention to every word that rolls off your tongue. If you decide to start off your macing with a question make sure its open ended because this will lead to a conversation. Remember, mates should always start out as friends so you want to see how good the conversation is. She might clam up and not be open at first but give her a little space. Most Muslim women are a tad bit reserved.

2. Da Digits. Don’t ask for her number too soon. Ease into it my brotha. When brothers run straight for your number its a huge turn off. You start the conversation off and let her steer it. If you are really diggin’ her vibes find out a way to leave her your number. This will make her more comfortable and most of all put the power in her hands. If you guys were talking about work for instance come up with some lame excuse such as, “I know this great networking event coming up next month. Here is my number you can call me and I can give you the info.” Now if the interest is mutual then she will give you a ring.

3. Islam it up. Always relate the conversation back to Islam. This is a major turn on. You’ll have the sista “mashAllah’ing” you in her head. Compliment her hijab. Tell her you wish other women valued modesty as much as Muslim women. Don’t overdo this though because it might come off as fake. You want her to know that Islam is an important part in your life. “Yo sista, that Nawawi’s 40 hadiths is off the chain. You peeped it lately?” See it’s that simple. Islam all day err’ day.

4. Body art. Now I can not stress the importance of body language. Open stance and good eye contact are just a few signs that you are interested. I must tell you that most Muslim women like a brotha who lowers his gaze from time to time. This shows us that you have control over yourself. So look up and then cast your eyes downward. This shows you are listening but at the same time giving us the respect we deserve. Lean into the conversation. Make her feel like she is the only person in the room. Speak with confidence and without hesitation. Now onto the rules of touching. Remember like I said, earlier on I am by no means giving fatwas (Islamic rulings) here. The issue of touching (handshakes, hugs, etc) vary from person to person and their level of practice. Personally, I would tell you not to touch the sista in any way or form. More than likely you will cross a personal boundary and this could turn your sweet macing session into a sudden disaster. All that hard work for nothing…

5, Make her smile. Most women like to laugh and we value a brotha who has a light sense of humor. Remember before we access our compatibility as mates we are venturing into the friends zone. Crack a joke. Make the conversation light. Don’t go into it asking for her wali’s information. So many brothas jump into asking for your wali. Now of course we understand that things must be done Islamically but slow your roll.

My brotha, now you are ready to test the field. Rejection is always a possibility. Don’t sweat it because it was her loss. Best believe you will find the one.

Let the confidence inside you radiate! Remember, you got this!

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brothers, love, marriage, personal, tips

SSS

I know a lot of single sistas.

A lot….

They are smart, beautiful, college educated and all around wonderful women.

But for one reason or another they remain chronically single.

I call this condition SSS.

Also known as…

Single Sista Syndrome.

The symptoms might include the following:
Loss of excitement when meeting new brothas.
Consistent complaining and mood swings.
Comparing oneself to others within the same social circle.
Overconsumption of food items containing chocolate.

*If these symptoms last for more than 5 years please contact your nearest mosque, wali or closest married girlfriend.

Now, I am all up for Muslim women being proactive when it comes to their love lives. I know my transparency makes many people uncomfortable. I like to look at myself as following the sunnah.

Yes, yall following the sunnah!

I am exemplifying the example of the strong Muslim women that have come before me.

And this includes taking my life seriously and knowing what I want in a man…

Women need to be open as to what type of man they want and not be shy when approaching these subjects. Cultural implications have led to many Muslim women across the world not taking an active role in their search for a life partner.

Shyness is one thing but not having a voice in YOUR affairs is another.

By no means am I negating the importance of having a male guardian. I am simply stating that YOU need to take ownership instead of sitting around and doing absolutely nothing. Yes, as Muslims we understand that qadr (destiny) is already predetermined but please remember that we play a significant part as well.

My sista, this is your life. Don’t allow others to dictate the important matters that will ultimately effect you in the end.

Now I will admit that I have been a victim of SSS.

Personally this was due to several factors…

Being a Black SistaQueen raised in a predominantly Palestinian community my chances of meeting someone were pretty slim. Tribal mentalities, pride, and the risk of having nappy headed grandbabies was enough to deter the brothas that even expressed the slightest of interest in me.

Now miracles happen all day errrrr’day!

But…

At one point I realized that I needed to take charge. Let it be known that I want to get married because I was not about to stay single forever.

Queens need kings, right?

Don’t be ashamed to have a standard. Don’t just marry the first fool that passes you and compliments your hijab. You will be with this person for the rest of your life and if you can’t see longevity then I suggest you reconsider.

The fall of my first marriage really put things into perspective for me. Many people in the community I was raised in look down on divorcees and if you’re a woman they’ll give you the shovel to dig your own grave.

Just know, that your self-worth and value should never be dependent on a man. YOU are an independent entity that deserves to love, be loved and bask in that love together forever!

I realized what I wanted and wasn’t ashamed to go after it, regardless of what people thought. I encourage you to do the same. Just be ready for criticism and judgement.

My sista, love is a beautiful thang when you find the person who is most deserving of you. Don’t be cold and harsh because there are many decent brothas out here looking for the same thing as you.

In 1987, LL Cool J admitted that he needed to be loved, but truth is that most men don’t express that emotional side.

Like I always say keep an open mind and a receiving heart.

We got this!

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brothers, tips

Gold diggin’ Sistas

Sistaqueens, the brothas have spoken…

They are reading and soaking up all these jewels I’m droppin’.

I have received several messages from the brothas asking me how to read the ladies.

Let’s start…

You’ve met a pretty sista. She’s everything you want in a woman. She is the epitome of modesty and flyness. What more could you ask for?

But, something isn’t right. She seems to be after more. You can never please her now.

At first the flowers and candy made her happy and giddy but she seems to be yearning for something else.

You’ve met the….

GOLD DIGGIN’ SISTA!

Now let me break this down for you. Men and women are after different things in a relationship. Most men want a pretty wife (sistas stop rolling your eyes. This is the reality!) They are physical by nature so they want someone who is the coolness to their eyes. Now with that being said, most women want a brotha who has his shit together.

His finances need to be on point.

BUT…

There is a huge difference between him having his finances together and a sista being unrealistic with her expectations.

My brotha, these are the signs you should look for in this type of sista.

1. Displeased. She’s never happy. You can never please her. No matter what you do the sista always wants more. This will set a precedence for your future marriage.  Listen my brotha, everything you do at this point is out of the kindness of your heart. You DON’T have to buy her presents but you are a gentleman and you know how to woo the ladies. I whole heartedly encourage you to do these things but pay attention to her reaction. Does she say “thank you”? Does she return the favor? What makes her extremely happy? Pay attention. Pay close attention.

2. Comparison. This type of sista will consistently compare herself to her friends. If they roll through with a new car best believe she is going to want one as well. Life for this type of sista is about showing off the goods you got. She enjoys bragging and is always side eyeing other chics to see what they have. She must be the top of her game and that ain’t no lie! She has a deep disdain for other women. This distrust is stemmed from the fact that she herself has skewed intentions with you. I would also suggest that you figure out what kind of friends she has. This will tell you a lot about her character.

3. Lazy. Most of these sistas are lazy. If they had their own money they would not be after yours. They always want the easy way out and you hold that key to their financial security. Why make my own money and work my tail off in school when I can find a brotha who can give me all of that and more… Needless to say she lacks career motivation. Now don’t get this mistaken. A lot of sistas have the dream of being stay at home mothers. Please don’t confuse that with laziness. Gold diggin’ sistas use whatever resources they have to get what they want. Most women, even Muslim ones, will use their looks to get what they want. Some of us will even play the “shy never been kissed” role to get what we truly desire.

4. Perception. How does she view the needy? Does she believe in volunteer work or bettering her community? Gauge and see where she is at with this. A very good way to do this is to see how she views those on public aid. Perhaps she might even feel entitled. Like she is meant to have certain luxuries in life.

5. Interests. Figure out what her basic interests are. If she enjoys shopping every weekend on daddy’s credit card that should be a red flag. Gold diggin’ sistas give very obvious hints. You just have to be paying attention and not dismiss these red flags.

Yes, ya’ll I keep it real! OK!

Hopefully these tips helped and gave you some insight as to how you can spot these sistas out.

Like I said earlier, if it doesn’t look right or smell right then chances are it probably ain’t right!

 

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