marriage, online, tips

Computer Love

For about a year I’ve been using Muslim matrimonial websites. I’ve had pretty good experiences with them. I feel like it allows you to broaden your scope of potential spouses. I’ve compiled a list of pointers and tips for navigating the world of online dating. Remember folks, KOM (Keep an Open Mind!)…

1. Put a picture up. I know you’re a tad bit embarrassed. You want to be loved, you desire intimacy. Unfortunately, cultural biases towards women have resulted in us denying this fact. You’re human. It’s totally normal. Be open and truthful with yourself. Being online already makes the process difficult so you want to be as straight forward as possible. Also this eliminates the awkward process of exchanging pictures. Physical attraction is important so just put it up there!
2. Don’t be scurred’! If his profile tickles your fancy don’t be scared to step up. Sistas are allowed to inbox. Make the first move. You don’t have to confess your undying love to him but hot dayum’ say something! Here is an example of messages I’ve sent: “Asaalamu alaikum Brother, I ran across your profile and I am very intrigued. I would like to get to know more about you. Take a look at my profile to see if there is a mutual interest.” SistaQueens, its that simple. You threw him the bone. Now if he wants the rest he’ll come and get it.
3. Be honest with YOU. Don’t fabricate things on your profile. I know there is pressure to be a certain type of Muslim but please remember we all have different paths. You want to portray yourself as accurately as possible while still putting your best foot forward.
4. Help. Have someone help you out. Ideally, this person should be a male family member. Some brothas can be trflin’ so you want someone who can check them out. Three degrees of separation ain’t no lie. For instance, once I get to know a brotha I’ll ask him what mosque he attends. You’d be surprised what you can find out by asking this simple question.
5. Stand your ground. You’re going to get a lot of messages from brothas inquiring. You’re attractive, smart and just plain wonderful. Now, you don’t need to give everyone of these dudes a chance. I make it a point to respond to every inquiry I get, even if its a rejection. Sure, its online but the matters of the heart are sensitive. Example: “Thank you for the inquiry brother. As stated in my profile my age requirement is someone younger than 36. Being that you are 64 you are out of that range. I wish you the best in your search.” You are going to get inboxes from people who take one look at your picture and don’t even pay attention to what you wrote. Some men can be pushy. Be the solid strong SistaQueen that you are!

1. Babies get the Ladies. Brothas are way better at putting up pictures than the sistas. You guys don’t play! You are on the search for wifey. As a woman I am advising you what type of picture to put up. I can’t stand when you guys think its cute to put up a picture of you making a stupid silly face. Come on now! We know humor is great in a relationship but please this is serious so act right. After a consensus with the SistaQueens we all agreed that if a brotha has a picture up of him holding some random baby he gets extra points. It shows he’s caring, compassionate, loves babies, and looks like he is excited about fatherhood. I get all mushy gushy when I run across these profiles. So if you want to get with the ladies grab someones baby!
2. Respect the Queen. Don’t inbox a Sista telling her how cute and sexy she is. Major turn off! Rather, say something like this. “Asaalamu alaikum Sister, I noticed your profile today. I must say that you are beautiful mashAllah. I see that you enjoy reading. Have you read anything exciting lately? I look forward to hearing from you.” Notice how I put a twist on this? I talked about her beauty but threw in something of substance which indicated that I read her profile. Mad skills!!!
3. Her Pace. Sometimes you brothas have the tendency to rush us. You ask for personal information such as numbers too soon and believe me it’s a turn off for most of us. If you really like a sista, you’ll allow her to dictate the pace. Now if you guys don’t exchange numbers in a couple months I totally feel ya! Just don’t ask for it within a couple days.
4. The Magic Word. Wali. Any sista who is serious wants you to ask for her wali’s information. This will also display that you ain’t trying to play games with her. Even the online Muslim matrimonial world consists of people looking for booty. Don’t assume that we are free from that just because we’re “Muslim”. You want her to know you are serious. You dictate the best time to bring it up depending on the pace of this blossoming relationship. (SN: In Islam, a woman is required to have a male relative when seeking a spouse. It’s similar to having your father check someone out before going on a date. Ya dig?)
5. Be Real. Don’t play games. If you’re not ready to be married then make that very clear in your profile. Some people want to take 1+ years to get to know someone (which I highly discourage, but that’s another post!). Ain’t nobody got time for you to decide what you want to do. Meeting wali’s and family members typically mean it’s getting serious. This is why honesty is so important.

I hope my Computer Love tips were helpful. Remember, follow your intuition. If it doesn’t act right, look right, or smell right then chances are it probably ain’t right!


So, it begins…

This blog is not intended for the faint of heart. Rather it is geared towards Muslims who have an interest in discussing love, relationships and sexuality. Perhaps you might be a single person on the quest for love, happily married or still healing from a divorce. This is a welcoming and non judgmental space for all. Welcome.

I am a woman on a mission to find a Muslim husband and lately I’ve realized that there is no space to openly discuss my experiences. So, I’ve created my own. Welcome to MUSLIMnLOVE. This is not a space where I will attempt to explain Islamic rulings. This point needs to be stressed. I am in no way certified and that’s why we have imams and scholars. This blog is based on my experiences, joys, and struggles with being a single Black Muslim woman.

Time to break it down…

The single sista: I understand your struggle. I know you have had your share of bad encounters and awkward sit downs. It’s just the rules of the game, right? You’ve probably heard people say that you have to kiss a ton of frogs before making it to your prince. That’s absolute bull shit. Some of these brothas are just plain whack. I know you wish they would just stop playing games and get with the program. Well, I’m here to share my stories with you. Some are funny and others not so much. Sit back and put your feet up. We have a lot to talk about, SistaQueen.

The inquisitive brotha: You want an insight. An insight into the mind of the single Muslim woman. Perhaps you are looking for tips and pointers. I’m here to help you with that. As a Muslim woman I know its intimidating to approach us but believe me we aren’t about to approach you! So, that kinda leaves us in a conundrum. You know what I’m talking about. Those awkward stares at the ISNA bazaar or  trying to hook up after MSA meetings. I know, it’s not working for you. You just don’t know what the average Muslim sista wants. It’s ok, I feel your pain. So, take that kufi off and get those fruit loops out your beard. You’re ready to learn.

The Salafi: I’m not quite sure why you are reading this but I welcome you into my world! I know you’ve probably said “astagfirullah” under your breath about a dozen times now. It’s ok, I know you are curious. Aren’t we all? Don’t mention it to your bearded gang or niqabi clad sisters. They might ask for a daleel or something. It’s our secret. It might be difficult for you to handle my frankness and if that’s the case I suggest you stop reading now. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for you having a massive heart attack. I have enough on my plate to worry about.

The non-Muslim: You’re probably wondering how we get married. I’m not going to lie because our marriage process is somewhat involved. Parents, dowry’s, cultural crap… Yes, it is a lot. Hopefully I will help you understand and perhaps we’ll reach a point and you’ll see that “courting” isn’t really so different from dating.

Now that we are done with that let me introduce myself! I have been divorced for three and a half years. Such is life, right? I work as an RN and my specialty is emergency medicine. I also have a passion for health care reform so I do a lot of work with those who are under insured or lack health coverage all together. I am a 20-something year old SistaQueen from Chicago. I am of African descent and refer to myself as a daughter of the diaspora. By now you can tell that I am Muslim. Even though I don’t like labels I would probably classify myself as a moderate. This blog is a branch off my Facebook posts.

My family and friends have been encouraging me to blog about my experiences of finding a husband. I have been very candid about this whole process and I intend on remaining so throughout this blog. I appreciate honesty and openness so I hope you do as well.

Let the fun begin!