marriage, online, tips

Computer Love

For about a year I’ve been using Muslim matrimonial websites. I’ve had pretty good experiences with them. I feel like it allows you to broaden your scope of potential spouses. I’ve compiled a list of pointers and tips for navigating the world of online dating. Remember folks, KOM (Keep an Open Mind!)…

Sisters:
1. Put a picture up. I know you’re a tad bit embarrassed. You want to be loved, you desire intimacy. Unfortunately, cultural biases towards women have resulted in us denying this fact. You’re human. It’s totally normal. Be open and truthful with yourself. Being online already makes the process difficult so you want to be as straight forward as possible. Also this eliminates the awkward process of exchanging pictures. Physical attraction is important so just put it up there!
2. Don’t be scurred’! If his profile tickles your fancy don’t be scared to step up. Sistas are allowed to inbox. Make the first move. You don’t have to confess your undying love to him but hot dayum’ say something! Here is an example of messages I’ve sent: “Asaalamu alaikum Brother, I ran across your profile and I am very intrigued. I would like to get to know more about you. Take a look at my profile to see if there is a mutual interest.” SistaQueens, its that simple. You threw him the bone. Now if he wants the rest he’ll come and get it.
3. Be honest with YOU. Don’t fabricate things on your profile. I know there is pressure to be a certain type of Muslim but please remember we all have different paths. You want to portray yourself as accurately as possible while still putting your best foot forward.
4. Help. Have someone help you out. Ideally, this person should be a male family member. Some brothas can be trflin’ so you want someone who can check them out. Three degrees of separation ain’t no lie. For instance, once I get to know a brotha I’ll ask him what mosque he attends. You’d be surprised what you can find out by asking this simple question.
5. Stand your ground. You’re going to get a lot of messages from brothas inquiring. You’re attractive, smart and just plain wonderful. Now, you don’t need to give everyone of these dudes a chance. I make it a point to respond to every inquiry I get, even if its a rejection. Sure, its online but the matters of the heart are sensitive. Example: “Thank you for the inquiry brother. As stated in my profile my age requirement is someone younger than 36. Being that you are 64 you are out of that range. I wish you the best in your search.” You are going to get inboxes from people who take one look at your picture and don’t even pay attention to what you wrote. Some men can be pushy. Be the solid strong SistaQueen that you are!

Brothers:
1. Babies get the Ladies. Brothas are way better at putting up pictures than the sistas. You guys don’t play! You are on the search for wifey. As a woman I am advising you what type of picture to put up. I can’t stand when you guys think its cute to put up a picture of you making a stupid silly face. Come on now! We know humor is great in a relationship but please this is serious so act right. After a consensus with the SistaQueens we all agreed that if a brotha has a picture up of him holding some random baby he gets extra points. It shows he’s caring, compassionate, loves babies, and looks like he is excited about fatherhood. I get all mushy gushy when I run across these profiles. So if you want to get with the ladies grab someones baby!
2. Respect the Queen. Don’t inbox a Sista telling her how cute and sexy she is. Major turn off! Rather, say something like this. “Asaalamu alaikum Sister, I noticed your profile today. I must say that you are beautiful mashAllah. I see that you enjoy reading. Have you read anything exciting lately? I look forward to hearing from you.” Notice how I put a twist on this? I talked about her beauty but threw in something of substance which indicated that I read her profile. Mad skills!!!
3. Her Pace. Sometimes you brothas have the tendency to rush us. You ask for personal information such as numbers too soon and believe me it’s a turn off for most of us. If you really like a sista, you’ll allow her to dictate the pace. Now if you guys don’t exchange numbers in a couple months I totally feel ya! Just don’t ask for it within a couple days.
4. The Magic Word. Wali. Any sista who is serious wants you to ask for her wali’s information. This will also display that you ain’t trying to play games with her. Even the online Muslim matrimonial world consists of people looking for booty. Don’t assume that we are free from that just because we’re “Muslim”. You want her to know you are serious. You dictate the best time to bring it up depending on the pace of this blossoming relationship. (SN: In Islam, a woman is required to have a male relative when seeking a spouse. It’s similar to having your father check someone out before going on a date. Ya dig?)
5. Be Real. Don’t play games. If you’re not ready to be married then make that very clear in your profile. Some people want to take 1+ years to get to know someone (which I highly discourage, but that’s another post!). Ain’t nobody got time for you to decide what you want to do. Meeting wali’s and family members typically mean it’s getting serious. This is why honesty is so important.

I hope my Computer Love tips were helpful. Remember, follow your intuition. If it doesn’t act right, look right, or smell right then chances are it probably ain’t right!

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12 thoughts on “Computer Love

  1. Abdul malik says:

    Alhamduillah! I really enjoyed reading your blog; very informational, love is serious enough. But who i love for the rest of my life is ginormous…lol Okay so me and a few other brothers are looking future wives, I will put thsm on to this site inshallah.

    • muslimnlove says:

      Salam Abdul Malik! I’m happy you enjoyed the blog. I “keeps” it real all day err’ day! Yes, do put your brotha friends onto the site. I ALWAYS appreciate male energy and perspectives. See you soon!

  2. Sudan says:

    is 1 + years too long to get to know a sister? I have a time table in my head. I figure I ought to know and talk to a sister for one to two years before getting married. Then have another 2- 5 years with out any kids, so I can have a time period of her just being my wife. We can do Hajj together, travel a bit, get our couple struggles out of our system. Then have kids three to four years apart. that way each child has a chance to be the ‘baby’ with out competing with another baby. Granted I want three kids. But since you find it highly discouraging to want to talk to some one for 1+ years… what about 8 months, or 6 months? though can you really decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with some one in six months?

    • muslimnlove says:

      You can not put a time table on love. It happens when it happens. πŸ™‚ I commend you for being so organized in your approach, lol. In my own opinion, and yes we all have different approaches, I think 1+ years is too long when getting to know somebody. It really doesn’t take that long to figure out if someone is for you or not.

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