marriage, stories

Secret wife = Glorified “side piece”

She married him.

She married him in secret, knowing very well that marriages never went down like that in any culture or religion. Marriages were celebratory and typically included an announcement of some sort. It didn’t have to be anything big or over the top but there had to be something. She knew that but had been convinced otherwise. From the outside Islam always looked so perfect. There was order and a sense of simplicity, but once she converted she quickly realized Muslims were far from that. They struggled just like everyone else and for her that was a huge disappointment. She slowly learned to see the human in people irregardless of their religious practice.

The first time she saw him he was in the mosque. He always looked so dignified. Clothes crisp and freshly ironed. He wore a lot of white linen and his kufi sat neatly placed on top of his head. He had the type of smile where all his teeth showed. He needed a wife, she thought.

Through the curtain she could see him bent over from the waist up offering his afternoon prayer. She looked around to see if any sisters were looking at her before she peered through the sheer pink curtain for a better peek. As her eyes found him her mind began to wander to intimate spaces in her mind. She imagined her body pressed against his linen suit. Pressed so tightly that her curves wrinkled his outfit. He would pull her in closer. She would pull back, not a “real” pull back but the one that translated into “pull me in closer”. She would feel his breath on her neck. Her body would breakout in goosebumps. His hand would rest on her arm but she would feel it slowly making its way down her back. She imagined his smell, which would be of sandalwood mixed with a hint of mint from the gum he was chewing…

She stopped herself and embarrassingly pulled the curtain back into its rightful place.

Little did she know that she’d already caught his eye. Later she would find out that he spotted her in a group of sisters chatting it up outside the mosque weeks prior. He would always laugh and say he spotted the orange hijab first. When she turned around though he knew that she would be his. Her face brighter and more beautiful than the scarf that donned her head, crowning it like a halo. Like any man he enjoyed women. He relished in the thought of conquering a woman, especially the ones who were young and feisty. The ones who swore up and down that they would never be second wives. He had a wife already and had been married for nearly ten years. His wife was not into polygyny. It just wasn’t her thing. He brought up the idea to her once and her reaction made him promise to never speak of it again.

He knew what he wanted though. It was selfish but he didn’t care.

The story of how their relationship began was nothing special or profound. He ran across her Facebook profile based on the mutual friends they had. He requested her. She accepted him. There were no messages exchanged for the first two weeks. Both waited anxiously for the other to say something. There would be occasional “likes” on both ends but it didn’t progress until he popped up in her Messenger. The innocent online messages progressed to meet ups at random cafes. He convinced her that it was permissible because they were in public. Not knowing too much she believed him. After two months of these meet ups he asked if she would marry him. At this point she was already aware of his first wife.

Her feelings were invested. She didn’t care. What if this was her only opportunity to get married? She would often hear of sisters complaining about the difficulties of finding spouses.

So they got married.

At first their relationship was pure bliss but eventually the reality of its circumstances began to surface. Her desire to make the relationship public kept tugging at her. It was obvious that his loyalty was with his first wife. When she would bring it up he filled her with empty promises and one liners about how he didn’t want to cause fitnah (discord) in his community. She always heard the other sisters say that being a good wife meant you didn’t cause your husband undue stress, or at least that is what she had been told. “Allah will always reward the patient and those who perservere…” was a common saying of his. She got sick of him saying it. Quite frankly, she felt like slapping the shit out of him as soon as it began to roll off of his tongue. He was using Islam to fit his needs and desires. It only suited him to use that quote when it worked in his favor. That was not Islam to her…

Who was being patient here?
It certainly wasn’t him.

This was a quick way to religiously shut her down. She would nod in agreement and he would gently brush his hand on her face. Her eyes would close and her mind followed the tracings of his fingers. This would be followed by a kiss on her forehead. His touch would jolt through her body; like an electrical current sending sparks all throughout her being. He made her feel alive, even if that was only in a physical sense because deep down her soul felt dead and abandoned. The trail of touch would go up her arm, to the nape of her neck, between her breasts and eventually the feeling would gently settle between her legs. At this point he would want more and she would gracefully drape her body beneath his.

This became a cycle, one that never failed to repeat itself.

Her heart couldn’t find the courage to convince her lips to say how she really felt. Her body never failed to betray her. She succumbed to his every touch. The relationship was more sexual than it was anything else. He used her. Sometimes she felt like they used each other. He would often complain about his problems at home with his first wife. She would listen and not dare complain to him. She felt like she had a lot to complain about but she willingly put herself in this position. She just felt stuck and there was no room to move. There was no one to confide in and she understood that majority of the blame would fall onto her if this secret ever came to light.

She was the woman. She would be shamed. Her integrity would be questioned. This was the reality. There was only a matter of time before she would burst open.

So this cycle continued and she found herself in the same position that many Muslim women find themselves in.

Married yet alone.

_____

The rise of unmarried Muslim women has resulted in many considering and taking part in secret polygyny. When I use the term secret polygyny I am referring to “the intentional practice of covert marriages.” This practice, that some do state to be permissible within Islam, is more widespread than one would think. In most cases, secret polygyny involves vulnerable women such as recent reverts, those with very little family support and lastly those who are uneducated when it comes to the rights of women in Islam.

Now, before I get labeled as a sista who is bashing polygyny please hear me out. I do not have personal experience to back my claims nor to I have empirical data to support what I am stating. I believe there are several cases where polygyny works out fine, in most of these situations we are dealing with a brother who is extremely fair and righteous. These men who willingly take on multiple wives are far and few in between. Again, the honest truth. This is just the reality. Today, its hard enough to stay within a monogamous relationship and be successful at it. How are some men even considering second wives? Then, how do some men Islamically justify the deceit involved with secret polygyny?

Now as women we play our role in this saga as well…

Unfortunately, some women go by the motto “It’s better to have some man than no man.” This saying has greatly influenced how Muslim women approach the practice of polygyny. Many feel as though it may be their last shot at a relationship, even though polygyny was one that they had no intention of practicing beforehand. Whether or not polygyny still has relevance today, truth of the matter here is that it is extremely hard to convince someone who was raised in the West that it actually works and is practical. Then we throw in the whole “secret wife on the side” piece and you’ll really get conflicted feelings. Yes, we are Muslim but many of us come from different walks of life, culturally speaking, and some of those cultures do not practice polygyny.

I often think of my own experiences and having brothers who are already married approach me for marriage. One of the first questions I always asked was if their first wives were aware of their search. Some would reply with a yes but many more responded in the negative. I could see nothing but selfishness and deceit with these types of men. If they couldn’t honor their first wives, the ones that bore their children, then there was no way I would be respected and upheld. This is why even the mere thought of polygyny just turns me off. The misguided and ill intentions surrounding the polygynous marriages I have seen convinced me, as well as many other women, that polygyny is not where it’s at.

I can’t help but think who benefits most in these scenarios. I’ve personally known several sisters who have taken part in these relationships and all were given the false promise that their marriages would eventually become public. The way a brother treats you in the beginning says a lot in regards to how he will treat you in the midst of your relationship. The few who have come out have had their marriages exposed by others or by the accidental exposure that one risks being on social media.

In all these situations the women have been blamed in one way or another.

We often blame the women for even considering taking part in these marriages without paying attention to the main culprits. What about the imams and religious leaders who marry these individuals? What about the Muslim men who intentionally prey on vulnerable women? Have you ever heard an Imam give a khutbah about that?

Nawwwww…..

These subjects, that are greatly affecting Muslims, are totally bypassed.

More of the concern should be focused on who is marrying these individuals in our community because often these men are repeat offenders and shuffle through vulnerable women intentionally. They leave behind a trail of heartbreak, broken women and in some cases neglected children.

There is nothing Islamic about this.

With all that being said, I need my sisters to take responsibility and become more conscious of the men they decide to wed. Any act, including marriage, out of desperation should probably be left alone. Paying close attention to the signs early on in a relationship will give one a very clear idea as to where the relationship is heading. Being practical about marriage can be very challenging when feelings are involved.

Side note to the brothas, when you bring up polygyny to a Muslim woman and her face amazingly warps into that of the Incredible Hulk now you know why.

So I end this with saying a secret wife is a glorified side piece. If you respect her and the sanctity of your relationship it will be made public.

The truth never lies.

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43 thoughts on “Secret wife = Glorified “side piece”

  1. Pingback: Islamic Polygyny – A Stanford Prison Experiment | polygamy 911

  2. Mariam says:

    Polygyny can indeed be somewhat compared to Nazi camps. For those who are more honest with their feelings and emotions. Being given better household to live in, and better environment, does not change the inevitable feelings.

    I must say there is a lot more ado about marriage in Islam than what is required. I have more support and respect for committed couples who live together, and of gay couples, than of such setups of polygyny, with the Muslims thinking this setup is still better and more respectable than the Western concepts of commitment between couples, even if without marriage.

    Anyway, I very much respect and salute you for writing this article. It must have required a great deal of courage for writing it. I thank you for reaching out and sharing your story, hence opening the eyes of other Muslims through it.

    • muslimnlove says:

      Thank you for reading, I appreciate it.

      Courageous are the women who actually endure these abuses and still overcome. Simply writing about it, which I’ve done, is an ounce of an ounce of courage compared to theirs.

      Thank you though 🙂

  3. Mariam says:

    I don’t think writing about it is a small form of courage. Yes, technology has made life easier, but that doesn’t mean people openly have ideas and inner feelings flowing through smoothly and dare to publish them in public. If we have more people being outspoken about the realities of polygyny, it would have caused more Muslims to question and analyze their long held standing beliefs and structures. So I appreciate you very much for being open about your situation.

    The reason I feel Muslim women fall prey more easily to such deceiving setups of marriage (which I doubt God has anything to do with in the first place, but somehow it became acceptable within the religion Islam), is because at the end polygyny is allowed, and polygyny without permission of first wife is also allowed. The Prophet himself did the same thing. It’s all colored under the banner of “marriage”.

    People can still fall victim to becoming participants in a cheating affair, where a woman who swore never to get involved in the heartbreak and third wheel in another marriage may find through circumstances as a willing participant in that very situation. The difference between this and Islamic polygyny is: the affair is not colored under any banner under which the cheating partners can take comfort in. They know it’s a “cheating affair”, which is what it is, and does not include words of “marriage” and “God”. Islamic polygyny usually is the exact same thing, only difference is, there are more false colorful words involved, thus confusing all the parties involved, and also giving the man an upper hand and extra rights in it.

    Ultimately the one who benefits is the man, who despite appearing to have more responsibilities due to having two families or more, is still the one having the luxury of choice among women. The women are the ones shouldering the greatest pains and responsibilities as well. So much for the man being the head and protector of the household, because it’s usually the women in such setups who end up taking the man’s role in the household.

  4. DAOUD BINBEK says:

    I have to say that marriage is by nature never by agreement “Secret”. as a matter of fact even if one hears of a marriage it is a “Mustahabb” to attend the ceremony. predation should not be attributed to the male member only. This sordid arrangement gives polygyny in Islaam a bad name. Polygyny in Islaam is by nature an act of Sadaqah. Principally by the wife in situ to the prospective wife. Whether the choice is hers or her husband does not matter. What does matter is whether the relationship will de-stabilize and pose a threat to the purpose of the family as a social/spiritual incubator for the future generation of Muslims. I have seen this arrangement before. Usually it is a desired arrangement of partners who are multiple offenders and have lost all hope for the fealty and singularity of purpose which a marriage entails. Often such people themselves were cultured in such irregular relationships where marriage was never considered an option and a parent was in and out of relationships. Such people are to be pitied and guided aright. But by all means keeping in mind such people should marry their peers and not take the first-timers i.e.( the youth) as partners. Despoilment as a matter of social initiation is not unusual with such people and will certainly result in the consequent loss of confidence in the goodwill of one’s fellow Muslims and the community in general.

    • muslimnlove says:

      Asaalamu alaikum Daoud, I agree with you. Certain things have just made the whole practice of polygyny problematic. Thanks for reading. Tell your momma I said salam! 😀

  5. Firdosh says:

    I was recently talking to a friend of mine about this very same topic. These ‘secret marriages’ here in Australia often don’t involve any maintenance of the ‘wife’ whereby she is the one who still has to cover all her own expenses even though islamically after marriage this is the duty of the husband. So in the end women in secret marriages have less status than prostitues, they don’t receive the security of being someone’s wife, they are not financially supported and they still have to have physical relations with their ‘husband’. The only benefit in a situation such as this would be if her ‘husband’ was any good in providing her some sexual pleasure. But then again if there are children as a result of this said marriage how can any mother think her pleasure is more important than her child who would be seen by society as illegitimate without a fathers name and no inheritance after his death. Such a sad situation. May Allah sbt guide all Muslims and grant the women with partners who treat them well and can keep them safe.

    • Annisa says:

      What you’ve described, Firdosh, was exactly my experience. The relationship left me feeling thoroughly dehumanized—much much worse than a used-up whore [at least whores get paid]. What’s funny is that my ex likes to think and act like he’s this alpha male of a shaykh, but in truth, I had faked my orgasms way too many times.

      • muslimnlove says:

        A woman should NEVER have to fake an orgasm. Muslim men need to be taught how to sexually please their women. I sense a new post coming soon (pun intended) lol…

  6. maigne says:

    Hello i am a reverted muslim and then suddenly i meet a guy who is already taken… i told him from d beggining if u just want playful relationship pls stop, i want for married purposes and then we agreed and he told me he will marry me and then it was plan he supposed to come with me in hometown but then accidentally something came up his wife knew about it and he couldnt go anywhere so i go home alone… now we still continue our relationship and all d plans… pls give me an advice what should i do or what should i tell him? I want tobe halal and i want to show publicly that i love him and as well as him… i dearly love him… pls

    • addiqa says:

      Asalamualykum dear Maigne, the author did kinda touch on a bit on your situation… “I often think of my own experiences and having brothers who are already married approach me for marriage. One of the first questions I always asked was if their first wives were aware of their search. Some would reply with a yes but many more responded in the negative. I could see nothing but selfishness and deceit with these types of men. If they couldn’t honor their first wives, the ones that bore their children, then there was no way I would be respected and upheld. This is why even the mere thought of polygyny just turns me off. The misguided and ill intentions surrounding the polygynous marriages I have seen convinced me, as well as many other women, that polygyny is not where it’s at….” and she also stated. “…With all that being said, I need my sisters to take responsibility and become more conscious of the men they decide to wed. Any act, including marriage, out of desperation should probably be left alone. Paying close attention to the signs early on in a relationship will give one a very clear idea as to where the relationship is heading. Being practical about marriage can be very challenging when feelings are involved….” personally I would also add don’t do it… as you said he left you hanging once he just doesn’t sound like someone who will benefit you… in terms of deen too… but may be I am judging him too harshly while not knowing him. However I would recommend you sincerely pray to Allah to show you the right way to tackle this. Also if it has been a long time and if it is being delayed may be it is not meant to happen. May Allah make this easier for you. Ameen

    • Asalamualykum dear Maigne, the author did kinda touch on a bit on your situation… “I often think of my own experiences and having brothers who are already married approach me for marriage. One of the first questions I always asked was if their first wives were aware of their search. Some would reply with a yes but many more responded in the negative. I could see nothing but selfishness and deceit with these types of men. If they couldn’t honor their first wives, the ones that bore their children, then there was no way I would be respected and upheld. This is why even the mere thought of polygyny just turns me off. The misguided and ill intentions surrounding the polygynous marriages I have seen convinced me, as well as many other women, that polygyny is not where it’s at….” and she also stated. “…With all that being said, I need my sisters to take responsibility and become more conscious of the men they decide to wed. Any act, including marriage, out of desperation should probably be left alone. Paying close attention to the signs early on in a relationship will give one a very clear idea as to where the relationship is heading. Being practical about marriage can be very challenging when feelings are involved….” personally I would also add don’t do it… as you said he left you hanging once he just doesn’t sound like someone who will benefit you… in terms of deen too… but may be I am judging him too harshly while not knowing him. However I would recommend you sincerely pray to Allah to show you the right way to tackle this. Also if it has been a long time and if it is being delayed may be it is not meant to happen. May Allah make this easier for you. Ameen.

    • umu sulaym says:

      @maigne seek Allaah’s guidance by doing istikaroh. it is a two rakah prayer aftrewards you recite Allaahumma innee astakheeruka bi’ilmika wa astaqdiruka biqudratika wa as’aluka min fadhlikal-Adheemi, fa’ainnaka taqdiru wa laa aqdiru,wa ta’lamu anna haathal-amra-[then mention the thing to be decided] khayran lee fee deenee wa ma’aashee wa aaqibati ‘amree-(or say) ‘Aajilihi wa aajilihi -Faqdurhu lee wa yassirhu lee thumma baarik lee feehi,wa in kunta ta’lamu ‘anna haathal-‘amra sharrun lee fee deenee wa ma’aashee wa ‘aajilihi- Fasrifhu ‘annee wasrifnee ‘anhu waqdur liyal-khayra haythu kaana thumma ‘ardhinee bihi. referenced from sahih Bukhari 7/162. Also observe tahajjud constantly telling Allaah what you want and try to fast on mondays and thursdays.Seek advice from elderly and serious minded muslims in your community.May Allaah guide you to the best for you in this life and the hereafter. @mariam and the author of this article both of you have been unjust to islam as a religion you have indirectly critise the commandment of Allaah without proof. I advise the both of to seek for the forgiveness of Allaah and search for mote knowledge about the deen because have both spoken from the ignorant point of view.

    • Maria says:

      My dear sister, I am also a reverted muslim, and i know how hard it is to find a husband, but if he is pulling you to have a relationship on a way that Allah hates, then he is not the man for you… there is something that we need to understand, if we want a happy and blessed marriage, then we should do it on a way that pleases Allah, He is the only one able to bless our life, if we dissobey Him how we can expect to be happy???? Im more than sure that you love him and you want to be with him “ever after”, but sister… how do you think Allah is seeing this relationship??? Do you think He is happy with the way you are taking your life??? Do you think He will put you both in Jannah??? This life is just a breath… please sister, dont change your Paradise for a relationship that is leading you to do the things that Allah hates…

    • Rubzz says:

      sister, it seems u already know that the guy is playing around. If he had been serious, he would have taken steps to marry u at the earliest. Plans will remain plans unless we execute them. From what I understand, he is just using you, cheating his wife n u at the same time. Please think over it- if he behaves with his wife now in this manner, what makes you think he wont do the same to you. Pray Istikhara (prayer for guidance) and seek Allah’s help. You are a strong muslimah. Don’t fall for sweet words and hollow promises. Make dua to guide u n protect u from all evils. As u said, u want it halal, so have a strong stand in the matter. Ask him to marry u n make it public, else leave him. It will hurt, but I m sure it will be fr the better. All the best sister 🙂

  7. addiqa says:

    Asalamualykum dear Maigne, the author did kinda touch on a bit on your situation… “I often think of my own experiences and having brothers who are already married approach me for marriage. One of the first questions I always asked was if their first wives were aware of their search. Some would reply with a yes but many more responded in the negative. I could see nothing but selfishness and deceit with these types of men. If they couldn’t honor their first wives, the ones that bore their children, then there was no way I would be respected and upheld. This is why even the mere thought of polygyny just turns me off. The misguided and ill intentions surrounding the polygynous marriages I have seen convinced me, as well as many other women, that polygyny is not where it’s at….” and she also stated. “…With all that being said, I need my sisters to take responsibility and become more conscious of the men they decide to wed. Any act, including marriage, out of desperation should probably be left alone. Paying close attention to the signs early on in a relationship will give one a very clear idea as to where the relationship is heading. Being practical about marriage can be very challenging when feelings are involved….” personally I would also add don’t do it… as you said he left you hanging once he just doesn’t sound like someone who will benefit you… in terms of deen too… but may be I am judging him too harshly while not knowing him. However I would recommend you sincerely pray to Allah to show you the right way to tackle this. Also if it has been a long time and if it is being delayed may be it is not meant to happen. May Allah make this easier for you. Ameen

  8. Umm Isma'il says:

    Assalamou alaykoum wa rahamatouh Allahi wa barakatouh,

    I think you should address the question of the legitimacy or not of such marriages, witch are called mysyar in Arabic, from a fiqh perspective. I will explain you why.

    Some scholars say it is hallal, some other scholars (like Sheikh Al-Albany) say it is not, because marriage should have some conditions, one of them is that it should be public. Some others scholars take a position in between and say that, even if it is hallal, with the minimum of 2 witnesses, it is not recommended.

    Personally, I went through such a marriage, but I did not accepted to keep silent with my fiends, my neighbors, my relatives, and my colleagues, because I believed that it is haram to keep a marriage secret in the society who are living around you. I did not believed that only 2 witness is enough. It was a good decision, and Allah blessed this marriage with 2 children, and we are still together after 10 years.

    This decision, I mean, to be able to talk about it openly with the peoples around me, was very difficult to accept to my husband. He always try to keep me at home and to prevent me to have any relationship with the people, because he knows that I would talk. Since he is my husband, he has the right to prevent me to go out, so I obey him. But the necessity of life makes me meet people, one day or another. Especially that he is not with me everyday, I am the second wife, so I have to go out to shop, I need help to repair the house, I have to go to the hospital with the children, and also I went to many institutes to learn Arabic. It was part of the marriage conditions.

    This situation, in spite of all the precautions my husband took to prevent me to meet other peoples, end up that the first wife discovered about it. Someone told her. My husband was very angry, but me, I was very happy about this.The first wife, as expected, made a big scandal about it, but she decide to stay with him. Because of this dispute, all the family of my husband discovered it at the same time. This open for me the door to the family of my husband who started to inquire about me, and eventually, visited me.

    I would say something to the sisters who would enter such marriages : inform yourself about fiqh and obey the rules of Allah, and Allah will help you, and at the end, you will succeed, by the will of Allah, if this marriage was destined for you. As long as you are doing something hallal, and you have good intention, be sure that Allah will never let you down. Complete secret is not correct. From my perspective, this is zina who is secret. Marriage, by his essence, is something public. I think that we do not have to say it to everybody and make public announcement in the newspapers, but the door should not be close. If someone ask you who is your husband, you should be able to tell his name, because this is not a secret.

    I hope my story will help others, in cha Allah.

    Wassalam
    Umm Isma’il

    • Umm Isma'il says:

      I would like to add something.

      I have a friend who went to a similar experience than me. But, when the first wife discovered about their ‘secret’ marriage, and made a big scandal, he divorced my friend, the second wife, in order to stay with the first one. So, any sister who enter into this kind of relationship should know that it is risky.

      On the other side, for another of friend of mine, the husband divorced the first wife because of her bad behavior, and stay with the second one. Happy for my friend.

      I know also of some sisters who where first wives and asked for the divorce…

      Second marriage is more common that one think.

      So, I would like to say something, there is no secret marriage in the long run. The brothers are not fully aware about it, but the first wife almost all the time discover it. This is a time bomb. It may destroy one of the two marriage. In my case, alhamdoulillah, my husband refuses to divorce me and the first wife decided to stay, but it is not always the case.

  9. Ruhi Rizvi says:

    Wonderful article. Very concise. What hasn’t been captured in this article, is the psychological impact, marriages such as these leave behind and how they affect the future.

    Something we need to discuss openly.

  10. Anonymous says:

    I am the secret wife described in this article. It happens. I am a recent revert and it describes me and our relationship precisely.

  11. TylerDurden says:

    The topic seems important and very relevant. I just don’t understand the need for the vulgar imagery. The writer could have easily given the same message (arguably in a more effective way) without including descriptions about sexual thoughts. Seems kind of immature.

  12. Umm Isma'il says:

    Who say secret marriage, say also renouncement to some rights. What this paper do not talk about is that this kind of marriage always come with renouncement of some of her rights from the side of the second wife. The first and most important right that she renounce is the right to have nights with her husband regularly, like the first wife. That is why the scholars call it Mysiar marriage (the marriage of the traveler). It means that the husband will visit his wife when ever he wants and that they will have sexual relationship during the day, often very fast, and that he will leave the house after that to go to spend the night with the first wife. This is the reason why Sheikh Albany consider this kind of marriage unlawful, because, by this way, the husband and the wife can not find rest and contentment together, they can not enjoy a complete marital life, witch is the basic of marriage.

    Also, this secrecy means that they will not enjoy any social life together. They can not go to the shopping center hands by hands, they can not enjoy a good meal at the restaurant, they can not go to a lecture together at the masjid, etc. Also, that means that the wife can not have friends, or very little bit, because they will surely ask them who is their husband and they will not be able to answer them. She will have to stay at home most of the time, waiting for her husband, and, if she works, she will have to come back home immediately and stay at home to avoid any personal relationship. She will not know the father, the mother, the sisters and the brothers and all the relatives of her husband also.

    Also, it comes with the renouncement of the right of inheritance, because the family does not know about it and there is no official paper to protect the right of the second wife. If they have children, their children will be illegitimate (if the husband want to keep it secret and do not recognize them officially) and have no right also to inheritance, unless they go to the court and they fight for their rights.

    Often, the second wife renounce to financial support. So the husband have the authority in the family and the right to sexual relationship without giving any financial contribution, witch can be very frustrating for the wife who fells that she renounce to almost all of her rights, and that the husband enjoy all of his rights.

    All this can develop, with the time, jealousy in the heart of the second wife, because the first one enjoys all her rights in full. She may fell that, somehow, she is oppressed and that is not fair. Polygamy in Islam is about equality. While her husband is sleeping with his first wife at night and she suffer from loneliness in her bed, she can develop a sens of injustice.

    When the first wife go to a wedding party with her husband and her children with all the family together enjoying social life, she can fells that she is rejected and start to hate the first wife, the society and the Muslim community as a whole. Why? Because, we have to said it now, her husband wanted to have a secret marriage because the first wife, the society and the Muslim community is against polygamy. Because the first wives make big scandals and sometimes ask for the divorce if their husband take another wife, because sisters will look at him as he is someone who is looking for sex only and do not care about love (witch is suppose to be exclusive), etc.

    I would like to say to all the sisters who are against polygamy here that YOU are responsibles for many sisters suffering injustices our there in silence. The men have the right to marry four wives if they wish but you pouch them to make secret marriage (if they are pious) or to commit zina (if they do not care), following the steps of the non believers.

    I would like to say something to the sisters who are engage in such marriages, that Allah does not like injustices, and, if you are patient, and you rely on Allah alone, He will find a solution and He will take care of you, and that, at the end, you will be the one who is victorious against all the hypocrites out there who claim to be Muslims but chose what they like from Islam and chose what they like from the non believers, accordingly to their passions. Allah will save you from them and make His perfect legislation and the truth prevail, do not doubt about it, as long as you follow the pure legislation of Allah and you obey Him, you will find Him in front of You, helping you by means you did not expect and opening doors you did not know existed.

    Thank you to have read me and excuse me for my mistakes
    May Allah bless you all
    Wassalam
    Umm Isma’il

  13. Malik says:

    Muslimnlove I think you are a very beautiful woman ma Ch’Allah. You are doing a great work putting this together helping out muslim communities to better practice their religion thank you

  14. Pingback: Words | MUSLIMnLOVE

  15. Eden says:

    I thought as a Muslim women you have to except polygamy? Is that not true? Forget the secret marriage part, that just sounds unfaithfulness to the Lord but as far as the rights to polygamy, I thought it was excepted? Please elaborate

    • muslimnlove says:

      Hey Eden, thanks for stopping by to read. No, polygamy does not need to be practiced if a Muslim woman chooses she doesn’t want to partake. It’s a personal choice and usually discussed beforehand with a potential spouse. As a Muslim woman I understand the reasons behind why it is practiced but as a Muslim its not something mandatory on me. Hope I answered your question.

      • Eden says:

        Yes thank you but one more, I was told that a Muslim women couldn’t go against what Allah has allowed a man to have the choice to polygamy? To say no to your husband about polygamy is like going against Allah??? Please help me understand

      • Umm Isma'il says:

        I think that the only thing she can do is to convince her husband to renounce to it, and to make the renouncement of polygamy a condition of the marriage. Like a men can make a condition of the marriage that the wife renounce to some of her rights. But, this conditions can be brooked later on, in case of need or necessity. In this case, the wife has the right to ask for divorce.

    • muslimnlove says:

      There are certain things that are mandatory within Islamic framework (e.g. fasting, prayer, paying alms). Then there are certain things that are optional. Polygamy is not a mandated practice within the religion and according to many interpretations many Muslims say it is an optional. This is something that is often discussed before marriage.

  16. Umm Isma'il says:

    I would like to say that, the fact that polygamy is optional, does not means that this is something bad. Polygamy is the Sunnah of our beloved Prophet (SAWS) and there are s lot of good in it, not only for the husband. Unfortunately, few are the people who are able to see the blessing of such a way of life. In my view, a wife should not ask her husband to renounce to it before marriage. She should rely completely in Allah, the One who knows what is the best for us, and who made it permissible, and see, by experience, if it happens to become a reality for her. Not listening to the sisters who are against it by principle, because in fact, in doing so, they are following the thinking of the West.

    • Eden says:

      Thank you as well, I know it’s been a discussion of not renounce it with the one I’m with, I have to understand his faith and belief but as a non muslim it’s hard to except the potential of a polygamy lifestyle. I respect his faith, it’s what made me fall in love but it’s hard to be strong and confident in excepting that part.

      • Umm Isma'il says:

        I understand your situation. But, you have to know that, if you marry a practicing Muslim, there is a whole set of rules that he may follow concerning the engagement, the marriage contract, rights and duties of the man and the woman inside the marriage, rules concerning divorce, inheritance, custody of the children, etc. that he may implicitly want you to accept and to abide by it. Theses rules are just and fair, but as a non Muslim, and a Westerner, you may find it difficult to see the wisdom behind it, as you said.

        You have to understand that, from his side, to marry a non Muslim may be dangerous for his faith, especially if he lives in the West, because the pressure of the society and the juridical system can be use against him by his wife to enforces rules that contradict his faith. That is why it is so important than, from the start, the wife accept to respect his religion.

        But, if you live in the West, the Muslim has to abide by the law of their country. Concerning polygamy, if you live in the West, this is not permissible to practice it if it is forbidden by the law, like in the US. If it is tolerated in your country, this can be done under some conditions. Your husband should consult a Muslim scholar about this.

        Do you understand ?

        The only advice I can say to you is to consult your heart and to discuss with him about all theses subjects to make it clear from the start.

        Please see the Family code of AMJA for more details: http://www.amjaonline.org/en/

      • Eden says:

        That was a good read, thanks

        It’s alot to take in and more information than expected. I’ve already married him (mutah marriage) and honestly it’s been good so far. It’s the polygamy part I’m having troubles excepting, but I keep telling him that I except that part of his religion but it would be hard for me to take part of that.

        I had to reply on this part, it wouldn’t let me reply under your comment Umm Isma’il

      • muslimnlove says:

        So, you’re practicing a temporary marriage? Is your relationship known in your community?

  17. Umm Isma'il says:

    Mutah marriage is a temporary marriage, this is not allowed amoung the Sunni Muslims. Are you sure this is the word ?

    Maybee you are practicing a ‘urfi’ marriage or a ‘misyar’ marriage ?

    A ‘urfi marriage is a one that is not registered officially to the authority of the country. This is a religious marriage without civil rights.

    A misyar marriage is when the wife renounce to some of her rights, like the rights of her nights, usually, this is a polygamous and secret marriage from the first wife (that is why there is no nights with her, he visit her during the day).

    • Eden says:

      Yes it’s a temporary marriage, and yes it’s known in the community, and yes it’s a mutah marriage. We both signed contracts as well. In hopes we continue with the relationship past our 2year contract. Does polygamy have nothing to do with a mutah? Is it not part of mutah marriage?

  18. Umm Isma'il says:

    So, you are married with a Shia, not a Sunni, because temporary marriage is not allowed for the Sunni Muslims. I do not think that mutah has something to do with polygamy. But I do not know, i am Sunni.

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