Author Archives: muslimnlove

marriage, personal

Beautiful or Bootyful?

A couple weeks ago a good friend introduced me to a brotha who was looking for a wife. She said we seemed pretty compatible and that he was very interested in meeting me after seeing a couple of my photos. He seemed like a decent guy. My friend said that her husband knew him for a while and that he was reputable. So, we scheduled a sit down and went from there.

We briefly spoke on the phone. He seemed very nice. I was feeling him. We agreed to meet for mediterranean food later in the week.

Later that week, we met up for dinner. I called him on my way to the restaurant and he told me he was getting out of his car. At the same time I was walking towards the restaurant. First impressions are important because they set a precedence for most of us. He had a leather jacket on and some rugged blue jeans. He had a little goatee and his hair was faded. He was cute. Not necessarily my type but attractive nonetheless. Also, he was on the smaller side…

Let me break it down for you.

I am 100% woman. Yes, ya’ll 100% Black woman. I’m thick, curvy, big boned…whatever terminology you desire to use. I’m 5’8 and a size 16 in pants. So naturally, I’m attracted to tall big men.

Now with that being said I do not let size phase me. If a brotha does not fit my physical mold I will still give the potential relationship a chance. It would be absolutely stupid to write someone off for something as meaningless as height.

So anyways, back to my story. We grabbed a table and he pulled out my chair (brotha was doin’ it right!) and ordered our food. Conversation went pretty smooth. He asked about my family. I asked about his. We talked about goals and aspirations. Eye contact was good. Body language was open and not guarded. All the signs that a sit down is going well, right?

He had this sultry look that I was attracted to you. While I was talking he would slightly lean in, fixate his gaze and nod in agreement with whatever I was saying. I felt like he was studying me and listening to every word that rolled off my tongue. He had a soft tone to his speech. His voice was not deep or loud. He sounded gentle and collected.

Finally…a good sit down.

These were the thoughts running through my head…

As I was enjoying my falafel and hummus he leant in and said the following,

“You are so beautiful, smart and fun to be around. But you really need to ……..”

I could not hear him so I looked up from my plate.

“I need to what?” I asked.

“Stop playing. You heard me.” He responded.

“No, I didn’t.” I said as I put my fork down.

“Well, you need to exercise…” He said with a stupid smirk on his face.

Awkward silence…

I felt the blood rushing to my face. I was humiliated. My feelings weren’t hurt as I am 100% woman, weren’t you paying attention earlier? I responded by asking him if he exercised. His response was in the negative. I informed him that I did exercise and recently dropped 20 pounds. I ended that sit down suggesting that he go hit the gym rather than suggesting it to others.

I did not curse him out…

I did not go Housewives of Atlanta on his ass and throw a drink in his face…

I kept my cool and most importantly my dignity.

During my drive home I really thought about the whole incident. It actually pissed me off more than anything. What would give someone the audacity to say some whack mess like that? If I had an issue with a brotha, such as height, I would never mention it to him. I would find another reason to politely end it. Along with that I would NEVER bring it up during a sit down.

Then it lead me to another thought.

I’ve met several brothers who have pretty strict requirements when it comes to a woman’s physical appearance. Everyone has their physical preferences. It’s perfectly normal. After all, you have to like what you see when you roll over in bed. With all that being said one must be willing to bend and as cliche as it might seem people age and things get saggy. It’s just the reality of life. This is why it’s so important that your relationship be based upon love and compassion. If it’s based off of anything else it’s certainly destined to fail.

At times, Muslims tend to think that we are immune to the outside world and its influences. The idea of beauty and attractiveness portrayed in the media affect our communities as well. Based on my experiences many Muslim men have an unrealistic expectation as to what women should look like.

Beauty can come in many different forms. Personality and looks are just a few.

While booty is just…well booty.

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love, personal

The first time

I think I was around seven years old at the time. My family had relocated to Switzerland and I was attending grammar school. Switzerland was small and cramped. The streets were brick and narrow. Every corner had a bakery and the air always smelled like pine. Despite the fact that the country still had neo-nazi tendencies I felt safe for the most part, as safe as a seven year old could feel I guess.

I was attending school and I remember when he first sat next to me. He would follow me everywhere. You see, the Swiss are very holistic in their approach to elementary education. The day would start off with putting my slippers on (yes, we wore slippers to school) and handing Frau (Mrs.) Schafner an apple. She would then carve a silly face into it smile at me and give it back. That was breakfast. The rest of the day would consist of playing, laughing and making small crafts. I was happy.

One thing I remember about him was that he had a head full of almond colored hair. It was curly and framed his face. His skin was pale and he had bright brown eyes. He said I looked like cacao (chocolate in German). This was when I realized I was the only Black girl in the class. Coming to terms with the fact that you are “different” is always an interesting process. Before that I never paid attention to it. He said it very innocently and matter of factly. You know, the way kids typically state things. Almost every time we paired off he would slyly scoot closer to me. We would play together. He’d follow me. We’d fight. He would get on my nerves. Then we would be back to playing the next day.

Basel was a small city so you would run into people you knew all the time. One time I was walking with my mother and I heard someone scream my name. He ran up to me and pulled me to the playground. I liked to be with him. He made me happy.

Later that year, we moved back to the U.S. I never saw him again.

I think about this experience from time to time. The innocence that accompanies childhood is so pure. You love without reason or consequence. You love wholeheartedly. You are too young to realize the pain and hurt that comes along with love.

As adults, what if we loved like this?

Take away all the rational and self reasoning. What if you solely paid attention to how your heart was drawn to others. As children we were drawn to one another. Can one ever question matters of the heart?

No.

I can’t even recall his name but the experience stuck with me.

That was my first time.

The first time I fell in love.

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Uncategorized

The pitfall of segregation

Since I’ve been looking for a husband I’ve met plenty of suitors. Many of them have been married to non-Muslim women at one point or another. I have been trying to come up with a practical reason as to why this is taking place within our communities. Some seem legitimate while others are just nerve racking.

Typically if I am speaking to a brother I will inquire as to why he chose a non-Muslim woman over a Muslim. I usually get one out of two responses:

1. There were no Muslim women around.

2. Ya’ll are too intimidating and expect too much.

Let me break it down for you right here, right now.

At first I would get all “sista girl” on them and start going off. I would stress the point that I knew so many single, beautiful, educated Muslim women. Why go anywhere else? I beat that one into the ground.

Him: “Well, where are they at?”

Me: “EVERYWHERE!”

Then I realized everywhere was actually nowhere. That epiphany made me feel kinda dumb. In what setting are we allowed to freely mix and get to know people with the intention of getting married? Besides awkward matrimonial mixers and friends trying to hook you up Muslim men and women don’t stand a chance.

Only difference is Muslim men can marry non-Muslim women when they’re fed up.

We just remain chronically single.  So, where would I like to meet my future husband?

The mosque…

I think things are far too segregated. It’s not conducive to finding a spouse. The chances of that happening are next to nothing. I have been to some mosques where the segregation is absolutely ridiculous. How in the heck am I supposed to meet anyone if I am behind a curtain with the door closed on the balcony?! If hookups can’t happen in the mosque then what else is a Muslim man or woman to do?

I still do not have the answer to that question.

So, I ask the Muslim man this: If a majority of you are marrying non-Muslim women then who are we supposed to marry?

First off, if Islam is important to you then you would never consider marrying outside of the religion. Any attempt to do that means that Islam ain’t all that important in your life. If that’s what you want to do go ahead Brotha. I’m not passing judgement. Just don’t start crying and threatening a divorce when the kids are running around in Halloween costumes and she’s reminding you that it’s time to mail out Christmas photos. She wasn’t Muslim when you married her. You can’t expect her to give up her customs and traditions. If you really cared all that much you would have married a Muslim woman from the jump. When it’s just you and her it’s fine but once you throw kids into the mix it’s a totally different story. Real talk. Also, give her the rights she deserves. Just because she isn’t Muslim does not mean you can treat her just anyway. Karma baby, karma…

We all know it is hard to be single but you have to think long-term when it comes to marriage. You must view marriage as an enhancement in your life. Sure you are going to have your rough moments but don’t go into a situation blindly. Never expect anyone to change. As Maya Angelou said “The first time someone shows who they are, believe them.” Words of wisdom.

Think wisely. It’s your life.

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marriage, online, tips

Computer Love

For about a year I’ve been using Muslim matrimonial websites. I’ve had pretty good experiences with them. I feel like it allows you to broaden your scope of potential spouses. I’ve compiled a list of pointers and tips for navigating the world of online dating. Remember folks, KOM (Keep an Open Mind!)…

Sisters:
1. Put a picture up. I know you’re a tad bit embarrassed. You want to be loved, you desire intimacy. Unfortunately, cultural biases towards women have resulted in us denying this fact. You’re human. It’s totally normal. Be open and truthful with yourself. Being online already makes the process difficult so you want to be as straight forward as possible. Also this eliminates the awkward process of exchanging pictures. Physical attraction is important so just put it up there!
2. Don’t be scurred’! If his profile tickles your fancy don’t be scared to step up. Sistas are allowed to inbox. Make the first move. You don’t have to confess your undying love to him but hot dayum’ say something! Here is an example of messages I’ve sent: “Asaalamu alaikum Brother, I ran across your profile and I am very intrigued. I would like to get to know more about you. Take a look at my profile to see if there is a mutual interest.” SistaQueens, its that simple. You threw him the bone. Now if he wants the rest he’ll come and get it.
3. Be honest with YOU. Don’t fabricate things on your profile. I know there is pressure to be a certain type of Muslim but please remember we all have different paths. You want to portray yourself as accurately as possible while still putting your best foot forward.
4. Help. Have someone help you out. Ideally, this person should be a male family member. Some brothas can be trflin’ so you want someone who can check them out. Three degrees of separation ain’t no lie. For instance, once I get to know a brotha I’ll ask him what mosque he attends. You’d be surprised what you can find out by asking this simple question.
5. Stand your ground. You’re going to get a lot of messages from brothas inquiring. You’re attractive, smart and just plain wonderful. Now, you don’t need to give everyone of these dudes a chance. I make it a point to respond to every inquiry I get, even if its a rejection. Sure, its online but the matters of the heart are sensitive. Example: “Thank you for the inquiry brother. As stated in my profile my age requirement is someone younger than 36. Being that you are 64 you are out of that range. I wish you the best in your search.” You are going to get inboxes from people who take one look at your picture and don’t even pay attention to what you wrote. Some men can be pushy. Be the solid strong SistaQueen that you are!

Brothers:
1. Babies get the Ladies. Brothas are way better at putting up pictures than the sistas. You guys don’t play! You are on the search for wifey. As a woman I am advising you what type of picture to put up. I can’t stand when you guys think its cute to put up a picture of you making a stupid silly face. Come on now! We know humor is great in a relationship but please this is serious so act right. After a consensus with the SistaQueens we all agreed that if a brotha has a picture up of him holding some random baby he gets extra points. It shows he’s caring, compassionate, loves babies, and looks like he is excited about fatherhood. I get all mushy gushy when I run across these profiles. So if you want to get with the ladies grab someones baby!
2. Respect the Queen. Don’t inbox a Sista telling her how cute and sexy she is. Major turn off! Rather, say something like this. “Asaalamu alaikum Sister, I noticed your profile today. I must say that you are beautiful mashAllah. I see that you enjoy reading. Have you read anything exciting lately? I look forward to hearing from you.” Notice how I put a twist on this? I talked about her beauty but threw in something of substance which indicated that I read her profile. Mad skills!!!
3. Her Pace. Sometimes you brothas have the tendency to rush us. You ask for personal information such as numbers too soon and believe me it’s a turn off for most of us. If you really like a sista, you’ll allow her to dictate the pace. Now if you guys don’t exchange numbers in a couple months I totally feel ya! Just don’t ask for it within a couple days.
4. The Magic Word. Wali. Any sista who is serious wants you to ask for her wali’s information. This will also display that you ain’t trying to play games with her. Even the online Muslim matrimonial world consists of people looking for booty. Don’t assume that we are free from that just because we’re “Muslim”. You want her to know you are serious. You dictate the best time to bring it up depending on the pace of this blossoming relationship. (SN: In Islam, a woman is required to have a male relative when seeking a spouse. It’s similar to having your father check someone out before going on a date. Ya dig?)
5. Be Real. Don’t play games. If you’re not ready to be married then make that very clear in your profile. Some people want to take 1+ years to get to know someone (which I highly discourage, but that’s another post!). Ain’t nobody got time for you to decide what you want to do. Meeting wali’s and family members typically mean it’s getting serious. This is why honesty is so important.

I hope my Computer Love tips were helpful. Remember, follow your intuition. If it doesn’t act right, look right, or smell right then chances are it probably ain’t right!

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Uncategorized

So, it begins…

This blog is not intended for the faint of heart. Rather it is geared towards Muslims who have an interest in discussing love, relationships and sexuality. Perhaps you might be a single person on the quest for love, happily married or still healing from a divorce. This is a welcoming and non judgmental space for all. Welcome.

I am a woman on a mission to find a Muslim husband and lately I’ve realized that there is no space to openly discuss my experiences. So, I’ve created my own. Welcome to MUSLIMnLOVE. This is not a space where I will attempt to explain Islamic rulings. This point needs to be stressed. I am in no way certified and that’s why we have imams and scholars. This blog is based on my experiences, joys, and struggles with being a single Black Muslim woman.

Time to break it down…

The single sista: I understand your struggle. I know you have had your share of bad encounters and awkward sit downs. It’s just the rules of the game, right? You’ve probably heard people say that you have to kiss a ton of frogs before making it to your prince. That’s absolute bull shit. Some of these brothas are just plain whack. I know you wish they would just stop playing games and get with the program. Well, I’m here to share my stories with you. Some are funny and others not so much. Sit back and put your feet up. We have a lot to talk about, SistaQueen.

The inquisitive brotha: You want an insight. An insight into the mind of the single Muslim woman. Perhaps you are looking for tips and pointers. I’m here to help you with that. As a Muslim woman I know its intimidating to approach us but believe me we aren’t about to approach you! So, that kinda leaves us in a conundrum. You know what I’m talking about. Those awkward stares at the ISNA bazaar or  trying to hook up after MSA meetings. I know, it’s not working for you. You just don’t know what the average Muslim sista wants. It’s ok, I feel your pain. So, take that kufi off and get those fruit loops out your beard. You’re ready to learn.

The Salafi: I’m not quite sure why you are reading this but I welcome you into my world! I know you’ve probably said “astagfirullah” under your breath about a dozen times now. It’s ok, I know you are curious. Aren’t we all? Don’t mention it to your bearded gang or niqabi clad sisters. They might ask for a daleel or something. It’s our secret. It might be difficult for you to handle my frankness and if that’s the case I suggest you stop reading now. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for you having a massive heart attack. I have enough on my plate to worry about.

The non-Muslim: You’re probably wondering how we get married. I’m not going to lie because our marriage process is somewhat involved. Parents, dowry’s, cultural crap… Yes, it is a lot. Hopefully I will help you understand and perhaps we’ll reach a point and you’ll see that “courting” isn’t really so different from dating.

Now that we are done with that let me introduce myself! I have been divorced for three and a half years. Such is life, right? I work as an RN and my specialty is emergency medicine. I also have a passion for health care reform so I do a lot of work with those who are under insured or lack health coverage all together. I am a 20-something year old SistaQueen from Chicago. I am of African descent and refer to myself as a daughter of the diaspora. By now you can tell that I am Muslim. Even though I don’t like labels I would probably classify myself as a moderate. This blog is a branch off my Facebook posts.

My family and friends have been encouraging me to blog about my experiences of finding a husband. I have been very candid about this whole process and I intend on remaining so throughout this blog. I appreciate honesty and openness so I hope you do as well.

Let the fun begin!

-MUSLIMnLOVE

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