As y’all know I am all for women being independent and free thinkers.

But…

There are certain things that you just DON’T say to your man.

You can still be a sistaqueen and reign that throne but a smart woman knows how to treat her man right.

Likewise a smart man knows how to treat his woman right.

Recently, I witnessed a woman talking to her man in the most disrespectful manner. I cringed as I heard her put him down. I knew she would regret it later and more importantly I knew he would not bring the topic up later.

His bruised ego would surface in other ways.

Most men will not admit when you have hurt their feelings. It’s seen as being “unmanly” or weak.

They are men and they have something called pride. At times, some have more than others.

Now this should never happen but my first thought was if she’s talking to him like this in public then how are they talking behind closed doors? When you show respect for your partner you are in turn showing respect for yourself. After all, this is a relationship that requires the involvement of two equally dedicated individuals. Treat it like that.

Shaunti Feldman, author of The Male Factor broke it down like this:

1. Respect his judgment

2. Respect his abilities

3. Respect in communication

4. Respect in public

I love getting relationship advice from the OG’s (aka aunties who have been married 20+ years) and one lady told me that for a relationship to be successful women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected.

This woman was the truth! I’ve often thought about this crucial piece of advice she gave me and she was right.

One thing I see over and over again is women throwing up the fact that they make more money than their husbands.

Now if a brotha is holding it down…

Paying the bills and doing what he needs in order to take care of you then why are you throwing it in his face?

That is one of the most emasculating things you can do to a man and a smart woman will not degrade her partner in this manner.

Sure, when you are in the heat of the moment your judgement fails quite quickly but you have to remember words can create deep wounds that can take time heal.

Lastly, I can’t finish this post without paying homage to the sistaqueen who made respect soulful and cool.

She sat across from me crying into her hands.

I rubbed her back trying to console her. The more I rubbed the longer her sobs became.

“I juu-usst need to be patient.” Her eyeliner was starting to smear.

She needed support. She needed a friend, not someone to scold her and ask why she stuck around so long with a man who was abusive, even while they were courting.

She ignored the signs. Her silence gave him the idea that she accepted the way he was treating her.

But now, she’d had enough and was prepared to leave, infant in hand. She said her perspective changed once she had a daughter. But he refused to let her divorce him. To make matters worse, his Imam encouraged her to stay even though she was being both physically and verbally abused.

She found herself in a situation many women from all walks of life have found themselves.

Young, scared and alone.

She was told to be “patient,” that Allah loves those of us who persevere when put in trials and tribulations, that she would surely have a special place in heaven for being such an obedient wife.

I shook my head in disapproval every time she repeated those words. I thought she said them just to make herself believe that there was some truth to it. Many women who have never been abused automatically believe that they would confront an abusive husband, never allow him to get away with it. I remind myself and others to steer away from such harsh judgment of our abused sisters. There is a physiological component of abuse that must be catered to very gently.

At first she listened to her husband. Tried her best to please him and not make him upset.

It worked for a little while but then the vicious cycle of name calling and hitting would start all over. She would then pay a visit to their Imam and he would send her back home to him. Again.

Then one day it dawned on me. As Muslims, specifically women, we have the tendency to confuse patience with oppression. There is a very fine line. Having your Islamic rights denied or looked over is never acceptable. You are not being patient. If you silently stick around you are quietly approving of such behavior. You deserve to be treated with love and kindness.

Many Muslim men are very adamant about ensuring that their rights are upheld within a relationship (including sexual rights and the right to practice polygyny). As Muslim women, it’s crucial that we understand our rights as mandated in Islam. This serves as a protection – Allah knows us better than we know ourselves. As Maya Angelou says, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” For examples, if a brother is trying to persuade you to omit your mahr (a vital component in Islamic marriages) take caution. If he loves Allah he will ensure that your rights are upheld.

Many Muslims pretend as though issues of abuse don’t exist. Even the vague mention of it will send people into a frenzy because it puts Muslims in a “bad light”. As a result of this “bad light” we ignore serious issues within our community. As long as abusive men are not held accountable for their behavior, and misguided Imams refuse to properly address it, we will continue to have the cycle of abuse. Far too many of these abusive men jump from marriage to marriage only to leave a dark path of destruction.

Abuse is never acceptable in any way or form, be it physical or verbal. If you are a woman who is victim of abuse, I encourage you to seek help. And if you are the friend of a sister being abused don’t scold or judge her. She needs you. You might be her only, or even last, means of support.

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This post was originally featured on Love, InshAllah: Fresh Prespectives on Love

My grandmother didn’t have to see the world.

My mother placed it at her feet with two foreign looking Muslim grandchildren.

She had strong Christian values yet once my mother converted to Islam she stopped cooking pork and carpooled us back and forth to Quran classes.

She hated to travel but that was perfectly fine with her because my mother did enough traveling for the both of them. My mother would beg and plead for her to come with us on trips to Europe or the Middle East but her curiosity would remain hindered by her fear of the outside world.

She was perfectly content staying in the house my grandfather built from the ground up.

I think it reminded her of him.

Perhaps it was the spot in the living room where he used to sit and read the paper every morning or the fact that his hands had touched every brick the house stood on that made her so disagreeable when anyone would mention her leaving.

That was what women did in her time. Their lives were dedicated to their families.

No matter what.

My grandmother was born in the 1920s on the Southside of Chicago. It was a time of intense racial segregation and the seeds of the civil rights era were slowly coming to fruition. As one of her youngest grandchildren, I would listen to tales of her growing up with her sisters, the viewing of Emmitt Till’s body, and sneaking off to high school dances. This was a side of my grandmother I always wanted to know more about.

The black and white pictures inside her living room china cabinet burst with images of a young, beautiful black woman with jet black hair swept into a French roll. She was always looking off into a distance, only adding to the mystery of my grandmother’s past.

But her youthfulness was nothing but a mere memory tucked away in a fragment of time. She was now a woman in her 80s unable to walk after bilateral knee replacements – widowed and alone. Her vigor for life was gone after the passing of my grandfather.

He had been a quiet and reserved man. During his time, masculinity was largely defined by tending to the financial needs of one’s family. He worked in a local steel mill while my grandmother raised my mother and two uncles.

My mother once told me that she never saw them argue, something that seems nearly unbelievable in today’s day and age.

Later in life, he became chronically ill. My grandmother learned how to administer at-home dialysis and then, later, assisted him in his affairs when he began to lose his eyesight to glaucoma.

After my grandfather’s death, my grandmother sank into a deep and severe depression. This newfound state would last for almost ten years. Even though I sympathized with her, I never quite understood how one could rely so heavily on another person until I went through my own life altering circumstance.

Shortly before her passing, I broke the news to her that I was separating from my then husband. She was in hospice and dying of lung cancer.

She looked at me with utter disappointment.

“Child, there is no way for you to work this out? This is your husband.”

“No ma’m, it’s over.” I said, abruptly yet respectfully. I knew what was coming and wanted to stop it before it started.

Sensing my frustration she stopped, but not before saying, “You must have not really loved him anyways.”

Her frankness cut the silence in the room.

I didn’t argue or correct her. There was nothing to say because, in her mind, my actions meant I didn’t love him – loyal women never left their men.

And I was being, simply put, disloyal.

It’s been almost four years since her passing but I vividly remember this conversation. And, over the years, I’ve reflected on what it truly means to be loyal in a relationship.

Is loyalty relative? Or is there a universal way to define it?

I truly believe that one must stay committed and loyal to the fundamentals of a healthy relationship. Do some people cop out of marriages too soon? Definitely. Do some people stay in relationships out of shame associated with a divorce? Certainly. But there’s a balance. Most of us who have been divorced understand this internal tug of war. Sometimes the desire for wanting to get out of a relationship can be just as strong as wanting to exhaust all options to make it work.

The older I get I realize that my grandmother set an example for what it truly meant to remain committed in a relationship. That type of “old school” loyalty doesn’t exist any longer. When we see it, most are in awe and amazed. Most are lucky to make it to their ten year anniversary. My grandmother was married for nearly sixty years.

It takes love, patience and most of all sacrifice to truly make a relationship work. Loyalty can have many definitions but one thing is for sure, when you see it there will be no way to confuse it with anything else.

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This post was originally featured on Love InshAllah: The secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women http://loveinshallah.com 

Ramadan Greetings!

The excitement is in the air. I can feel it! Ramadan is here!!!

So, we are in the midst of another Ramadan and you just realized that you are *still* single.

Time to get those duas ready…

On a serious note…

Ramadan is a time filled with gatherings and social functions. With that being said it can be a lonely time for someone who is not connected to a particular community and even more lonesome for the single Muslim.

Let me help you understand.

I grew up in a practicing Muslim family. Needless to say Ramadan is a very big deal for my family and I. My mother will only cook certain foods during that time, such as her famous Turkish bread! The house stays decorated with bulb lights and our house is never empty. As a child my house was on and poppin’ during Ramadan!

When I got married I took the same energy to my own household. I enjoyed spending Ramadan with my then husband. We would attend social gatherings, the mosque and even break the fast at my family’s house. All of that was fun and exciting but the time I valued the most was when we would sit together and pray. There are many levels of intimacy that you share with a partner. Spiritual intimacy can be the most personal and uplifting. The first Ramadan I celebrated post divorce felt strange. Even though I didn’t miss him very much, I felt the void of being companion-less and needed the spiritual energy that I could only find in a partner.

I am going to give you some tips and pointers on how to combat this loneliness so you can make the most of your Ramadan.

1. Admit it. Dude, just face it. This is your reality. You are lonely and it is OK. Remember, its normal to want a partner. Like I always say, there are very few creatures that Allah created who live happily in solitude. The first way to address a problem is to admit that one exists. You are sick of being single. It’s not all its cracked up to be. Now, lets figure out solutions to combat how you are feeling!

2. Social Life 101. Take your social life to new heights. There is so much to do during this month. Find some other single Muslim folks and figure out what’s going on in your community. Find someone who you trust and lean on them when you feel lonely. There is no excuse to feel like you are “alone”, especially during Ramadan. Along with that, utilize Facebook and crash some iftars or lectures if need be. Even if you have to go to an iftar by yourself I recommend going! Unlock that social butterfly!

3. Keep Lookin’. Now if you are serious about finding a spouse then Ramadan is the best time to do so. You know Muslims come out the woodwork during this month! Keep them eyes wide open. Don’t blink. Attend more social gatherings, community iftars (breaking of the fast/dinner) and religious events. You never know, perhaps your future spouse is lurking around. Also, be sure to look your best during this month. Sistaqueens, pull out them fancy hijab. Make sure your eyeliner and eyebrows are on point! Brothas, wear your best oils and put lotion on them ashy ankles! Not only do you want to look good in the state of worship but you never know who is checking you out. Remember, I KIR (Keep It Real)…

4. Masjid hop. Attend a different mosque. Visit a community you have never been to. Praying in congregation will help lessen your loneliness. Do not isolate yourself. That’s the worst thing to do during Ramadan! This is a time for community involvement. Stay busy doing something.

If you are someone who has your social life on point then I highly recommend that you reach out to those who who need a little push.

May Allah reward you and allow you to take advantage of this blessed month…